


A Home

by Acrystar



Category: Chicago Fire
Genre: Best Friends, Bisexual Male Character, Bromance, Friends With Benefits, M/M, Misunderstandings, Romantic Comedy, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-16 10:00:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 26,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29574285
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Acrystar/pseuds/Acrystar
Summary: After Shay's death, Kelly is drowning in sorrow. The only person here for him is his only best friend.
Relationships: Matthew Casey/Kelly Severide, Past Kelly Severide & Leslie Shay
Comments: 14
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

She is dead, gone... Kelly Severide is going haywire because he never loved someone like her. With Shay, it was pure love. It wasn't just a fling! He would never have tried to have a kid with a fling! It wasn't sexual neither because she was lesbian, and he was as straight as a man can be. Plus, Kelly wasn’t the type of man to think he could change something like that with his sweet words nor his dick! It wasn't friends with benefits neither because they almost had sex only once, and it was a failure. Epic fail! Kelly is not sure he would have been able to fuck with Shay because she is Shay… or was. It was ethereal, pure, perfect, something he couldn’t grab with another girl. Even if he thought his last girlfriend could be the one, but that was before she flew away to Europe! No one had loved him that way before Shay, and Kelly never loved a girl like that. Kelly Severide drinks, fucks, and collapses on his bed daily to forget about the emptiness, about the silent and dead flat he had shared with her until she died... Kelly Severide is no more!

"Kelly, you need to get the hang of yourself if you want to come back!"  
"Go fuck yourself. I don't need you, Casey!"  
"Shay wouldn't want to see you like that!"  
"She's gone! Don't you understand? She's gone! She left me, so don't fucking think you know how I feel nor what she would have wanted, because she left, not me! We wanted a child. I was going to be a father, the father of her child! We were going to be a family, Casey... Ha! that was too good to be true..."

Kelly Severide has gone through multiples problems. He had survived broken hearts more than once but, this time, it's different. So fucking different! He had plans. He had a future. He and Shay had found a way to heal, even if they had made the most unexpected couple! Kelly started to believe in himself again. He even started to feel, to love anew. Kelly began to trust someone else enough to be heartbroken another time in his life. Kelly is so furious right now, so drunk too! He's screaming like a mad man since he cannot endure that pain anymore because grief is eating him alive... Nothing can stop the emptiness. He cannot clog that hole in his soul and heart even with all the alcohol he drinks nor with all the meds he takes to forget... to find some little sleep... to stop the pain, the fucking pain!

"I know... I know, man, that's why I am here. Please, let me help you, Severide."  
"I don't need your concern nor your fucking pity!"  
"I'm your friend. It's not about pity! I won't stay here looking at you ruin your health and life. I won't let it happen! You're self-destructing yourself, and that's enough already!"  
"You want to save… me?"  
"Yeah!"  
"Make her come back! I'm begging you! Make her come back to me..."

He knows Kelly for years, he saw him happy with his fiancée, he saw him lost, wounded, alone, bleeding, and bruised... He actually never saw him cry. That's something new, something the proud man cannot show to someone else. Seeing Kelly Severide crying in front of him is the sign he has to be there. He was about to touch the man, but he cannot. He cannot even stand the sheer look of suffocation. This agony in the voice of his friend is too much to bear! Through his fogged eyes, he looks at Kelly without knowing how to help him, how to help him heal, and how to do it! When he couldn't stand the raw voice screaming the hell going on Kelly's heart and soul anymore, he puts a hand on a shoulder, waiting for a punch or an insult, but nothing comes.

"I wish I can, Kel... I really wish I can. You don't have to fight alone. You don't have to suffer alone. Come on, man... Let me help you. Please."  
When his second hand grabs the second shoulder, the man crumbles for good. Kelly is just a body bag, a puppet drowns into a turmoil of wounds, and Kelly has no more wills to hide them. He could smell the blood, he almost can smell the pus oozing from his heart, and it makes Casey sick. Kelly Severide was his best friend for the longest time, but even if they grow distant with the years, Casey cannot forget the first thoughts he had when he saw the man first during his classes. Kelly Severide, the Casanova! Kelly Severide, the armored guy! Kelly Severide, the guy who smiles at everything because nothing can go through him. He was unbreakable. He was tough, so tough! And through the years, nothing was left about that guy smiling with few concerns in front of the problems. About the man taking life like a game... Casey had his share of problems, but he's still himself, even after his numerous break-ups, even after the death of the first girl who really mattered. He sighs, trying to pull the dead body to the bed.

"Kel, let me help."  
"I wish it was me... I wish I died instead of her."  
"Don't say that."  
"Shay... she was strong, strong enough to go on. I'm not. Not anymore... I can't stand the pain anymore! I want to die... I fucking want to die!"

Casey pinches the bridge of his nose because it's almost time for his shift, but he cannot let Kelly alone. Not with these suicidal thoughts! He rummages into his belongings, takings three pills out of a box, and comes near the agonizing man.

"Take them. Do it for me. You need to sleep a little."  
"I don't want to..."  
"Do it for me. Please, Kel."

There are some sparks in Kelly's eyes when the voice of his friend broke. Because the whole situation is painful for Casey too. Because Casey feels helpless in front of the man, moreover if he thinks about death so much. Casey is even frightened. After a long moment of silence and a long-shared stare, the man accepts to take the pills and gulps them down with a drink of water.

"I need to go. Can you promise me to stay still until I'm back?"  
"I will."  
"Ok. Call me if you need me. I don't joke. You need me, you call, and I’ll come. Ok?"  
"Ok..."  
"There... take some sleep. I'm here bud. I'll always be here!"

Matt cannot stay concentrated on his duty. Frankly, the Lieutenant cannot stop wondering if he'll find an actual corpse when he'll get home. He tried to telephone, but think against it twice because if the man actually sleeps, he doesn't want to awaken him! Luckily the day is calm. On the first hand, it's good because his head is elsewhere than in his duties. On the second one, time is agonizingly slow, and he wonders why he came to his shift in the first place. Nervousness is striking him, and he tries to phone again because it's noon, and the pills may fade away eventually. The fact Kelly isn't answering is making his throat hoarse. Matt can listen to the ticking seconds going on slowly, one after each other, until the point he hasn't see Dawson entering his office. He stumbles when the girl touches his arm with the same flirtatious smile she sends him each time...

"Are you ok?"  
"I think he's gonna kill himself."  
"Kelly? I don't think so. You know him. He's bipolar, somewhat, but not suicidal. He'll cope with more alcohol, bar fights, and sex with stranger girls. That's how he works!"  
"Not this time. This time, it's different. Leslie was different. He cannot even say her first name anymore."

She tries to reassure him, but Casey cannot stop thinking... That's when the buzzing sound came to life, sending his squad on the field with the paramedic team. Well, it'll keep his mind focused on something else.

"Car accident..."

His heartbeat fastens, but he doesn’t know why...


	2. Chapter 2

Not until he can see the blue mustang, not until he can see that!

Otis is the first to realize what he is seeing, and next Casey, because he sits close to Brian, and he can see what is left of Kelly's muscle car. The mustang is... gone! Matt cannot express himself better. What is left of the vehicle is only crushed metal sheets and chaos... Someone is crying on the asphalt, and it looks like a girl. The girl is bleeding, or she is smeared with Kelly’s blood. She is screaming irrationally in front of the mess of smoke and steel.   
Matt needs time to cope, time to digest and prepare himself for what he will see. He is losing his cool, and Otis realizes. That is why Brian is doing his Lieutenant's duties because Otis knows Severide and Casey are friends since before their formation. Thus, the man looks at their men, making them realize he will lead because Casey cannot do it right now. Consequently, he is giving orders to their squad as soon as everyone understands whose car it is. In the meantime, Casey cannot dare to breathe, because no one can survive that. The vehicle is almost cut in half by the traffic light! Without realizing it, Matt opens the door of his truck without breathing, and, when reality comes in, when he can smell gasoline, melted tires, and death, Casey throws up. It is the first time it happens since Matt is a fireman! He saw so many awful things in his life, but nothing was so... vivid... so... shocking. When Boden finally arrives on the scene, the Chief gets everything in his hands. He shouts his orders like it was not one of their men, there… like it was not Kelly's corpse they will have to dislocate from what was once a car... Casey throws up another time when the Lieutenant sees his friends taking their tools, and when he sees the girl being pulled away by their new medic. Then he closed his eyes when he saw Dawson whitening to the vision she had. And the girl, like himself, saw many things when she was in the paramedic team.

His head is spinning. Matt may faint in the near seconds, but suddenly Dawson takes his arm and pulls him where everyone is struggling with the wreck.

"Casey, talk to him! You need to keep him awake! Can you do this? Can you keep him focused? If he stops fighting, we'll lose him. You're the only person who can speak to him right now, do it!”

Everything is happening slowly and hastily at the same time, the Lieutenant can almost see each syllable coming out of Dawson's mouth but, Matt could not register any of the steps they took for him to be here, right in front of the scene he does not want to witness. He needs some more seconds to slowly breathe before looking at his friend, to really look at him. Kelly is almost buried whole in the steel. He can see half of his torso. However, the reset is nowhere to be found, and blood is pooling from everywhere. He gasps, looking at Kelly because it is a nightmare. If his friend is dying here, Casey will need help. He will need more than a psychologist to be able to face another car accident. It may be the end of his career...

He takes another tentative step toward the car and Kelly's face, then he bends himself to be near the man while he cannot stop crying. He cannot even try to pretend this will be fine! He cannot even try to control himself because he has no strength nor will to do it. He sighs, looking at Severide's profile, and the only eye, opening in his direction.  
His voice is dead silent. Matt is not even sure what to say, nor what to do. The new medic is trying to find a vein for the intravenous infusion.

"I can't... I...”

She is panicking, it is her first day here, and it starts with that... with this awful sight. He can understand her, so he pushes her aside because he can do it. Matt is no a doctor nor anything like that, but he can do it because he saw Leslie doing it so much time. He can manage. Because he was required to do it once on the scene of a motorcycle crash when a former-medic passed out. If he can help Kelly not suffering, he will do it!

"Don't... have to…”  
"You put me in this... I have to.”  
"No.”  
"You swore!”  
"I lied.”  
"Don't die…”  
"I have to.”  
"The fuck, you have to! You are a piece of shit right now! You're suffering, and I know it! But do we deserve that? To see you die... like that? Like Leslie?! Do I deserve that? Looking at my best friend, dying while I do the job, I so wanted to do... Will I ever be able to do it after that?”  
"You will. I have faith.”  
"You're a bastard! A fucking bastard!”

He can be angry too! He can scream and be selfish with his words! He was more than compliant with Kelly, even if they had shared their load of insults and mean names, even if they had to harm each other with hurtful words! Casey considers himself a peaceful man, a moderate man. But today is different, and Kelly just understands it because Matt is not calm and composed anymore. He is trembling as he plunges hardly the needle in the vein to inflict pain. Matt is on the verge of madness, and maybe the Lieutenant already is because he is shouting at a dying man. Because he is insulting him, and it is not into the protocol. Anyway, Casey knows comforting words would not change Kelly's mind, so all he had left is his pain, the awful pain to be useless in front of the death, in front of a wounded friend.

"Matt... I always was.”

Something is changing in the eyes of Kelly, resignation is nowhere to be seen anymore. His friend even smiles tenderly at the man in front of him. Kelly tried to move but think against it as the pain was insupportable.

"There was a time you were my best friend. My only friend! There was a time you were my model, the man I wanted to be. Strong and bold, carefree and wild. I envied you, Kel…”  
"Because I got all the gals?”  
"Because you were better than me, in anything!”  
"That's what you thought?”  
"Yeah...”

He can remember the young Kelly when they were 20. Bad boy and smooth with his words, carefree like the life was fucking giant game, sometimes a car race because Kelly could not stop to flee through the life with a rush he could not dare to mimic. Yeah. He always envied him. Always! Because at that time, Kelly was the solar one, he was always smiling, always so charming, and Casey could not fight against that charm, against that fucking smile!

"I was just self-sufficient because I knew I wasn't up to any match against you. You were the favorite, Matt... So, fucking lovable!”  
"You can be too. Shay loved you, and someone else will! Only if you let them the chance to know the real you.”  
"Too damaged...”  
"We all are.”

They got their share of painful love stories, but Casey still has the purpose to match with the good girl. He knows choosing Dawson is not a good resolution, because the girl is a fucking bee passing from a man to another. They can be friends or fuck buddies, but Matt should not love her. When he sees Kelly like that, he cannot help thinking about Hallie. It is still painful sometimes, but life goes on...Then, one day it is bearable. It’s possible to learn to love again… but since then, his girlfriends left, or he broke with them… maybe you cannot completely heal when life snatch you the best part of it through death.

"... so painful...”  
"Don't close your eyes, Kel, we’re coming to you.”  
"If you can stop “snoting” on my fucking car.”  
"If I can, will you do your best too? Cause I'm fed up to try and see you running away.”  
"If I could, I’d laugh, Matt... I'll try to kill myself another time if you save me now.”  
"So I'll save you again... and again... and again... until I'll be left like you, torn open by the lost...”  
"Ha! It's not as if we were... you know...”

As if they were… friends? But they are. Best buddies? They were once, and they could restore this lost bro-friendship if they want to. But Matthew is wondering if it does not imply something more, something that was here long ago and almost forgotten because Matt was a coward all along…

"Sometimes… I wonder what it would have been... if I had tried back then. If I made that move when we were trashed after Rene left, would you have punched me?”

Seems Kelly did not want to imply anything else because he frows a little before the unbearable pain stopped him. He was not aware Casey had this sort of thoughts back then! Anyhow, it is not unexpected totally, because Casey was always looking at him, sometimes like the girls looked at him, with those hungry eyes. But that was Casey, and he never thought the guy swung both ways! He had blamed it on the booze because Casey had looked at him that way only with some alcohol in his veins!

"Of course! You know… you should definitely do Dawson! You're thinking like a starving man… bud.”  
"I'm not. I said you were my model back then, and you were. I'm still not sure why I wanted to kiss you back then, because the fuck I kiss men! But... I really wanted to. I should have to… even if you had punched me, I should have to… because you would have done it, and I so wanted to be like you, carefree, true to myself… I should have kissed you…”

His breathing is ragged. Matt stopped to focus on the surrounding because it is easier to only speak! To let the words flow, blocking his friend’s shouts and reports, and the buzzing of the tools and cylinders. When the new girl pokes his ribs, he looks at the cervical collar. The Lieutenant then understands, they were going to move the sheet of metal soon. So he tries his best to manipulate Kelly's body and securing his neck to stay put.

"God, it hurt like crazy... I hate you right now.”  
"You'll have all the reason to hate me when we will move you. But right now, stay focus.”  
"How about a deal?”  
"What is it?”  
"I live, you get the ball to kiss me... to prove yourself you never had to envy me.”  
"Are you serious?”  
"Never kiss a man beforehand, then, be sure I'll kick your ass for that!”  
"You're a dick!”  
"Beware of who you idolize, Matt. So, is it a deal?”

He is not sure if Kelly is actually serious, because it is the kind of thing he could totally joke with, plus he is high on morphine! So, maybe he will forget everything if he makes it alive in the first place, or Kelly will kick his ass before Matt got the chance, or his friend will laugh to his face because Matt he took it seriously... With Kelly, you should not presume about anything!   
So, Casey smiles and whispers the deal's conclusion because if it can save his friend, he will do it! He is trying to keep the man with him some more minutes too. Kelly seems more and more white because he is losing too much blood, so he asks for some from their new paramedic. With Shay's death and Kelly's nervous breakdown, Matt is not able to remember her name. Too much happened in the last three days for him to able to register it!

"I hope you're a fucking good kisser because you'll owe me a bunch of awful fucking pain!”  
"They never complaint…”  
"I'm not one of your girls, I was already banging girls when you were only day-dreaming about kissing one... I bet!”  
"Ok... you're the pervert, I'm the good guy… So, I’ll kiss you like a good guy…”  
"Oh… Prince charming wet dreams!”

Kelly laughs a little. He tries to breathe then he winces.

"Matt...”  
"Yeah?”  
"I'm sorry if I cannot make it... it's... overwhelm…”

When the door finally opens, the sound Kelly is making is growing his blood cold, but this pain is nothing in front of the man he saw this morning. As soon as the team can work to free Kelly, he is retreating, letting them do their job. Matt fears to look, so the Lieutenant turns his head and lets time soundlessly flows as they rush to the ambulance. When the car is driving away from the scene with all the noise and commotion, Casey dares a look on his team, and nothing he sees in their eyes can help him. His legs shake violently, and before he knows it, he is on his ass, crying like a kid. What if Kelly did not make it? Could he go on working with that uniform? Matt looks at the blood staining his hands, and something snaps in his mind. He will not be able... he will never be able to face that... They are still mourning Shay. Matt cannot endure Kelly's death!


	3. Chapter 3

This is his third coffee, Matt stopped looking at the clock when two hours had flown away while waiting for the surgeon's diagnosis. The little they know is the fact they sent him to an operating theatre as soon as Kelly reached ER. Since then, they wait for news. Bad or good ones. It will only depend if Kelly tries hard to live to their deal. Or if they got Kelly in time for the surgeon to be able to save him. He stays alone because he does not want to see nor to listen to Dawson. Casey cannot stand her right now. She almost made him believe Kelly was not a man to kill himself, but he proved him and her wrong! He had bathed in her sweet lies for too much time! Whatever will be the final diagnosis, Matt will break with her.  
Lots of questions bounce in his head, and the Lieutenant wonders what his life will be like from now on. What will be his future? Will he stay at the 51? Will Kelly survive? Will he ever be able to work again after that accident? Right now, Casey goes through all that shit thanks to some tranquilizer. A nurse had to give him some because he had a panic attack when he saw all the blood in their ambulance. 

He is not himself. He is not Matthew Casey. Not today. He is not the brave and effective firefighter he used to be. Matt is just a man, only a man, and he is crying again at the thought Kelly could die before evening. He is restless despite the pills. While the coffee cups follow each other in the trash, Casey bites the inside of his mouth to blood. Suddenly, a door opens, and the surgeon appears, looking for Severide's family. They are all here, but maybe he should have called Benny...  
Matthew shuts himself because he is not sure he can take the awful truth if Kelly is dead. When Otis touches him, he dares to look at each of them. All their sights are portentous, but Boden speaks.

"Go. We all think you need to stay with him.”

He may not be dead, but hopes are not enough for his coworkers to be eased by any of the surgeon's words. He knows. He understands well as he works with life and death each day. There is no word to say when life is at stake! When someone could die despite all devotion you have given to save that life...  
He enters the room following a nurse.  
Most of Kelly's body is under white bandages, and Matt thinks it will help him to stay calm. Kelly's right arm is in a cast as his right leg, tubs are everywhere to be seen, and the low faint of a machine is helping his friend to breathe. Kelly might be dead, it is almost the same, but even if the remaining hope is virtually nonexistent, he needs to try. He does not know where to touch, there is nowhere to reach without a bandage, but he tries to make his presence known. He pats slowly, so slowly, Kelly's left cheek then left hand near the IV.

"Do not fail to your words twice today, it's gonna kill me. I don't know how I can be still up... I just want to close my eyes and pray it's a bad dream, a fucking bad dream... Don't do that to me Kel... I can't stand to lose someone else, not after Andy, not after Shay... It's too much for me.”

Casey fells asleep somewhere during the evening along with his cries and along with the pain… When he opens his eyes later, it is only to hear the machine keeping Severide's alive. So the Lieutenant sighs.  
He does not know what time it is, but suddenly his stomach is crying for some food, so he stands up and leave the room to find a vending machine. He makes two stops in the silent corridor until a nurse calls him out.

"You're with the fireman?”  
"Yeah... where are the others?”  
"Home. It is past visit time, but the head nurse said you could stay the night. Do you want to eat something? I kept you some dinner. It may be almost cold, but I am pretty sure it's not your first priority right now...”  
"True.”  
"If you need anything, you can come to me, ok?”  
"Ok.”

He takes the container without really looking at what was inside because he cannot care less! All he needs is a meal to be able to endure some more of this journey of turmoil.

"Can he... is he...”  
"He can. Talk to him. This night is critical anyway if he made it through, I'm sure he will live. The doctor had put him into an artificial coma for him to be without pain. Your friend is still in a vital emergency, so he will need the support.”  
"Ok.”

He should thank the nurse, but he cannot. What she is saying is not helping. He goes back into the room, eats without pleasure, then he looks at Kelly with a long and heart-breaking sigh. Matt takes the left hand in his and closes his eyes. He should pray, but he cannot think of any prayer, and he is not even sure God is still with him after all...  
He should speak to Kelly like the nurse had recommended him to do, but Casey cannot find back his voice. Hence the Lieutenant kisses the hand crying silently almost all the night, clinging to the familiar beep of Kelly's heart.

"Don't leave...”

Why does he think of this old tune he song a long time ago to one of his flings? Right now?! Really? That is fucking strange, but he is shutting his brain off because it is easier not to think about repercussions, about what will happen, about the future and past. It is easier to be only in the present time…

"if you care, you'll be there like you used to be.  
I'm searching for the words to make you realize  
that I really, really want you to stay, oh  
tears of frustration I hold inside  
but if you walk away, you'll make this grown man cry.  
Don't leave, don't leave me, girl  
please stay with me tonight  
don't leave me, girl  
please stay with me to...  
Forget my pride girl,  
I'm begging you  
you're my heart, you're my soul  
you got so much control.  
My love runs deeper  
than the ocean and sea  
but if you sail away  
you'll take a centerpiece of me.  
Don't leave, don't leave me girl  
please stay with me tonight...”

That is all he can remember about… Anyhow, the song is almost revealing. As the exception that Kelly, even if it can be a girl's name, is not one. And Casey is not in love with the man. Sure, he loves the guy, but not like that... Or maybe Matt is. His feelings are haywire right now! The Lieutenant is not even sure if he still feels because there is a hole here, right here, in his chest, and it is so painful. He hugs the hand in his. Maybe it is uncomfortable for Kelly, but he does not care! Matt needs a reaction! Matt aches to feel Kelly alive, and he wants to feel something! He is not a great singer, but he repeats the same words again and again. Because he really will go insane if nothing else than this regular beep is filling that hole.

He is still mumbling the song when the morning nurse enters the room. She looks at him with worry, but he could not care less. The beep is still here. All the night, it repeatedly came, making him go on singing to the man next to him. As if... as if Kelly was his first fling as if he was still this young guy trying to be cute or something like that... That is when he remembers she left him anyway… Matt lets the hand fall back on the mattress. Maybe he was doomed to see all the people he loved, all his friends die. Perhaps his father was right, and Casey would be better alone. If that is the case, the best chances are for Kelly if Matt is far away! Suddenly the machine makes some strange noises, and the Lieutenant understands due to the flatline what is happening even before his brain could proceed. The nurse almost sends him away out of the room, and he looks with sadness at the people running to the room. 

Blue code...

He made it to the hall before he falls to the ground. A nurse rushes to him, worried about his health but Matt is fine, he's just... dead inside and nothing can save him right now…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song "Don't leave me, girl" is from the popular 90's music band: Blackstreet.


	4. Chapter 4

Sweet perfume... soft sheets... coffee smells... He opens his eyes in his bed. He is catatonic for a moment. He does not even want to go out of bed because Kelly is dead! That thought is drilling in his head, and Matt does not know if he can feel more pain than he already feels. Is it even possible? Had Matt shut himself off? Or did they give him meds? Maybe antidepressant?  
Because Matt is just... there is no word for that. He is... that is all. When the door opens, he does not look to Dawson. Matt does not look to the tray any less because there is no chance he can eat.

"Do you understand me?”  
"Leave me alone, Gabriela.”  
"Stop that, you are not going to do your Kelly with me!”

She slaps him, but he did not even stir. That pain is nothing compared to the hole in his soul. He looks at the sheets trying to melt in them, but she takes him by the collar, shaking him violently to get his full attention.

"He is still alive. He made it! So, don't! He will need you! Prognosis is better, but he is not off the hook! Boden gave you days off until Kelly is out of medical reanimation, so eat and stay with him.”  
"She left me... Andy died, Hallie too! Eventually, everybody will leave me, even you.”  
"No. I don't leave. You want me out! So, I'll step out until you understand what you really want. And don't fucking find an excuse... my best friend was lesbian! I can live through it if you choose him ahead of me. Just choose!”  
"I'm not...”  
"No, you aren't… But it doesn't mean you cannot love or fuck with a guy. I tried a girl, not the best idea of my life, but I tried because... why not?! Don't let that get into you. We don’t choose who we love.”  
"He's not...”  
"I know. Same for Kelly! Being straight doesn't mean he cannot. He chose Leslie. The only girl in the world who didn't want to fuck with him! That alone should tell something about him. He can love, even people he is not sexually attracted to. And even if it's not, even if it's fling or friends with benefits, as long as it suits you both, who should care? Take a risk, you'll get nothing without risk! I know what you are thinking about, and as soon as you think like him, everything goes wrong... because you chose to make his words, your truth. Chose to make them false... that's how you'll succeed! Now, I'm off! I have a shift to do, and Boden will be my boss today, yeah! Please, make Kelly come back quick, and shorten my suffering!”

With that, Dawson is out. He cannot really think about what she had just said because it is too much for his brain to proceed. So, Matthew sighs and eats some of the pancakes. He will need some strength back to be able to go through that new day. To go through her pieces of advice and to apprehend them.  
He is on his way to the hospital when the words are finally understood. He needs to stay positive, but it is easier said than done...

"Can I?”  
"Sure!”  
"Is he...”  
"Not yet, but you should stay confident. Your friend is a tough fighter. He will make it.”

Another day, another same routine… As he stays there, singing for the man in front of him, tightening his digits on the lifeless left hand and waiting... waiting for something, whatever it will be.  
Matt does not stop to look at him, even when the nurse opens the door to monitor him. She may be frightened the Lieutenant could collapse another time. He probably could because it is only the pills and that song that are getting him whole…

He is lulling when suddenly the hand move. It is just a spasm, but that is better than nothing. Matt smiles, whispering Kelly's name. He still feels empty, but at least he does not cry anymore. The Lieutenant just stays still, waiting. A part of his head trying not to think, another trying to remember more of the song, the last part, trying to make that choice. Dawson or Kelly? Friendship or more? What does he want, what will he do? It is worse now that Dawson had spoken to him. Matt feels lost in his own feelings. How is it impossible to understand his own feelings? Is it even possible? Or does that song mean something? Something more important than the "do not die!" message? Now he understands Kelly. Did he feel the same when he was on his floor, crying, more dead than alive, bleeding for a love which was snatched from him?

"I'm so sorry, Kel. But please... don't die yet.”

Later that day, Joe pushed the door of the room and sent him home. 

Matthew needs some sleep if he does not want to crumble, so he just sighs and kisses Kelly's hand, shushing him with some words. Casey finds Brian waiting for him at the entrance. He really can take a ride home, plus Otis has some food for him to not worry about feeding himself. Matt thanks the man while he gets off the car.  
Matthew is a little anxious because he will not be with Kelly for the night, but as soon as he hits the mattress, Matt falls deep asleep.

There is a hole in his soul, vaster than it was before he opened the door. The bed in front of him is empty! He cannot look any more at the empty space because it means... Casey does not want to understand what it means! Hence he runs to the nurse's office because Matthew is late. After all, he had slept almost all day, and if Kelly died meanwhile, he does not know what he would do.

"He's...”

The nurse seems surprised to see him, but as soon as she understands what he is thinking and what is going into his brain, she comes next to him hastily. She makes him sit on the first chair because he will collapse at any second.

"Oh my god… Sit! There... What are you doing here? Hadn't you had my message? I tried to call you twice this morning. Breath. Everything is ok, my dear. Your friend woke up this morning, we send him into observation. His days are safe. Breath. Everything will be fine.”

The girl smiles tenderly. She is stroking his hair, observing his eyes with care until the words are understood, and Matt can focus enough to speak again.

"He...”  
"He’s awake. Yeah. I’m so sorry I couldn’t reach you this morning.”

Matt is still a little low to proceed, mostly because he was panicking. He did not open his phone because he had not found the time. Casey had to run almost all the path to the hospital because he had overslept!  
A hand on his heart, Matt finds back his breathing. When he is sure he will not fall nor faint, he straightens up, looking at his surroundings. The nurse stands up against him, and with a smile, she takes him by the shoulder to move him toward a corridor.

"Fist floor, yellow service. Your friend must be waiting for you.”  
"Thank you.”  
"No problemo! Don’t make him wait more!”

He smiles. The nurse is so kind, so… careful, she is even cute with her ginger ponytail, but his mind only thinks about Kelly. He may be in a hospital, but he runs. He runs all the time, in the corridors, then in the stairs.

When Matt is in the appropriate service, he asks for the room number and looks expectantly to the right door. Then, he has a hesitation. Does the Lieutenant have made his decision? He is not so sure. Casey is not even sure of how are his feelings right now! But as soon as the door opens, his heart skips a beat. He can hear Gabriela, Joe, and Christopher speaking, but better than that, he can catch Kelly's soft chuckle.

"Stop your macho words...”  
"She is stunning, indeed!”  
"Best boobs I saw in a long, really long time. If only I could move my hand...”  
"I prefer to ignore that sentence...”  
"Are you jealous?”  
"Me? No way. Kelly, I'm not into Casanova compiling chick's mensuration for his only hobby!”  
"Hard blow! I cannot even move a digit!”  
"You'll be good! As soon as Casey would be here, you won't be my problem anymore!”  
"Guys, is this mistreatment?”  
"Don't give me ideas… as you said... you cannot move...”

There are some laughs, and it is good to hear Kelly's voice, even if it is only a murmur. When he is spotted by Cruz, the man stands up with a smile.

"Seems we've got the relief team! So, I'll go. Zumba lesson in one hour, I need to be prepared.”  
"This guy is a mastermind. I bet you have some pretty babes in your class. I should try that...”  
"With you, Severide, it wouldn't be Zumba anymore but Kamasutra!”  
"I'm not against that idea!”  
"Dumb and dumber in the same room... come on, I need some fresh air and a girl to speak with! At least I'll have a real discussion with someone provided with a brain in place of a dick.”

She does not even look at him when Gabriela walks to the exit. He looks at the closing door with wonders. Maybe she is thinking Matt had made his choice, but the Lieutenant still does not know. Anyway, Matt is pretty sure he will not keep her, even if he does not choose Kelly in the end. He nods to the two men taking their leaving, then he comes near the bed.


	5. Chapter 5

"How are you?”  
"It could be better...”  
"I bet... but at least you're alive.”  
"I couldn't die in peace with your horrid singing! I thought someone was skinning a cat alive near my dying bed!”

Is it real? Casey does not know what to say nor what to do for a moment, so he goes quiet and sits in the nearest armchair. He feels really aware he is now alone with Kelly, and the man is now awake and almost his usual self. Silence is all he can hear for long minutes.

"I made it alive...”  
"Yeah...”  
"So what are you waiting for? I may look like a mummy right now, but my lips are in the open, and I still have my charms! One of the nurses gives me her phone number. You should do it quickly before I can actually move and kick your ass!”

Kelly Severide was not a man to forget about a deal! He should have known better! Even high on morphine, he did not forget! A kiss! It is just what it is: a kiss, nothing less, nothing more… He breathes in sharply, approaching Kelly's lips, and gives Kelly a quick peck before retracting abruptly.

"Is that a kiss?”  
"It is.”  
"I won't ask why you're single if you kiss them like that... Not worth all the pain I endure. You're going to get punched hard for that!”  
"What do you want?”  
"A kiss? Wasn't it, our deal? I had you singing fucking R'n'B songs for an entire night as if I was your high school crush... You can at least kiss me properly!”  
"We are...”  
"Men? Straight? Fuck you, Blondie, I thought you had balls! Maybe you should join Gabriela at her only-girl tea party.”

Ok, if he continues nudging him with that song, Matt will go make his future life hellish when Kelly would start eating solid food! The Lieutenant will be sure his friend would have broccoli at each lunch! He stands another time, looking at the only eye he can see, but his attention is cathed by Kelly's lips. He looks at the man and caresses the inert hand.

"What the final diagnosis?"  
"Cracked bones, concussion, some internal bleeding, but they are good now! I don't have a spleen anymore. It made me laugh... maybe it'll take away the depression... or not!”  
"Your eye...”  
"You'll see it again, Blondie! Don't worry, I still have my sex appeal, and scars can be sexy... that's what I heard!”  
"Stop being silly. You tried to kill yourself!”  
"Actually… I changed my mind at the last second... I thought I heard Leslie saying that I needed to go on. There was a cute golden cat on the road, and I broke. I'm wondering if it was her... I'm wondering what she wanted to say... going on... where? Sleeping with half Boston drunk to the core? I can't... but... meanwhile, I think about that... as you are my savior, I'm your responsibility now! So, go ahead and kiss me, and if not with tongues and all, go fuck yourself, Matt. If you do want to be like me, kiss me as if you were me!”  
"Tongues? Are you sure about that?”  
"I almost had sex with a lesbian woman, I can kiss a man!”

He seems the only one freaking about it, and that is all because of Dawson! What if he understands everything wrong? What if he chose Kelly, but Kelly chose another girl? What if he feels it disgusting, but Kelly enjoys it? Too many questions and no answer till Matt gets the balls to actually do it. It is just a kiss, just a kiss, he reminds himself...

If Kelly could move, he would have taken the coward by the collar and kissed him already. It is just a kiss, not a marriage proposal! Thinking about that, he slowly opens his only eye, looking to his friend... best friend! And he wonders if he freaks out only about that or if there is more, like the song... Pretty accurate it was, but maybe this crazy head is full of shit right now. He does not want to know what is in. He does not wish to know. He is not past Leslie's death. It will take time to even think about anything else than... sex. Sex is good and manageable if that is what Casey wants. Friends with benefit! Principally to his advantage, right now, because he may have the use of a hand! Actually, both of his are broken right now! Well, not the left one, but he always preferred the right one for that duty!

"It's just a kiss! I own it. It was a deal.”  
"Ok, but don’t complain!”  
"So, shut my mouth up for good!”

He does not have to ask twice. This time Matthew kisses him properly. It is still a little shy and hesitant, though. It is still too discreet for Kelly, too restrained too, but that is ok. That is how Matt is, and it is good to have someone different right now, someone who is not only here for sex and anywhere around in the morning. Someone who is actually a friend, a real friend, like Leslie was... He smiles when the man steps back, but it is not mocking.   
Kelly frowns a little, making his friend waits desperately for a word, and he takes his sweet time because it is fun to mess with Matt.

"I’ll say… passable.”  
"Fuck you!”  
"You should totally practice more.”  
"I won’t, and not with you!”  
"Hard blow! I’m the best kisser or that what they say!”  
"If you like Casanova!”  
"Are you jealous?”

Matt is suddenly reddening. He looks like a big squishy tomato right now! Kelly did not think he would get this sort of reaction. Not in the slightest! He looks curiously at Matt’s face, wondering what his friend is thinking right now. Because it is fucking disturbing, even if Matt may have some unsorted feelings toward him! Kelly will be more cautious with his words! Right now, he does not want nor need anyone with that sort of feeling toward him, and he does not want to give false signs to Matt. He may accept kisses, but everything else is subject to caution! 

Then he tenses because it is fucking itchy under the bandages, and he cannot even scratch himself!

"What the matter? Are you in pain?”  
"No… can’t even move with all the bandage, fuck, it’s gonna make me crazy…”  
"What is it? Do you need to go to the bathroom?”

He wants to laugh... yeah! He sneers a little because right now, there is a urinary catheter in his fucking dick!

"Don’t make me laugh... Some crazy harpy had put a fucking tube in my dick! Do you know how it is to be fucked in there? Bud, you should at least be supportive!”

In front of Matt's laugh, Kelly scowls. Matt is laughing to his face with a fucking superb smile that should totally be illegal!

"Sorry, I couldn’t stop myself!”  
"No one should play with a man’s dick like that! Help me, will you? It’s fucking itchy!”  
"Where?”  
"Thigh, right thigh.”  
"There?”  
"North, just a little… fuck…”


	6. Chapter 6

Boden enters the room while Matt’s hand is under the sheets and Kelly’s moaning like a girl, because fuck, Matt’s digits are in the right spot! Kelly will register later the weirdness of the display, because, well, another guy is touching his thigh, and he moans for that! Boden frowns a little, looking at the two men with circumspection because he never saw it arrived. When? Where? What the fuck?! Kelly and Matt when that even started in the first place!

"God… that’s perfect, fucking perfect…”  
"Good.”  
"Don’t stop now, or I kill you.”  
"Ok…”  
"Do I interrupt something?!”

What the fucking fuck? They did not even see him because there are too engrossed in whatever they are doing under that sheet! Boden thought Kelly was in far worse conditions, but the guy seems well! Well enough to play with his best friend, or whatever Matt is right now! He does not want to know! It is not his problem because Kelly and Matt are not in the same team, so it is not his concern if they fuck, but at least not in front of him!  
His tense face is making Matt steps back and averts his hand, and Kelly grumbles his deception.

"Sorry, I cannot say I’m glad to see you, Chef!”  
"Do I have to know something?”  
"It wasn’t what it looked like!”  
"As if!”

Suddenly Kelly giggles even if he seems in pain while doing it, but he cannot stop laughing, and Matt is concerned.

"Severide, stop it… it’s not laughable!”  
"Come on, it’s priceless! That’ll be forever in Matt’s records! How he was busted, doing a handjob to his coworker in front of the constipated face of Chief Boden!”  
"It wasn’t… I wasn’t doing that!!”  
"Ha fuck... I’m going to die!”  
"He was itchy!”

He overheard shit beforehand, but that is the best shit he ever heard! He sighs because Kelly seems high on morphine, and Matt seems really troubled about that, but Boden does not give a shit. He is not against homosexual relationships. And if anyone has something to say about it in the 51, he would be firm with his blames. Nothing of the sort in the 51 will be allowed! As they do not need him right now, he turns around to the door he is opening.

"I don’t care, but hospitals are not the place to do that.”

And he is gone. When he is out of the hospital, he ponders a little. What the fuck is going on with Kelly? Severide used too many drugs. He wanted a baby with a lesbian girl. And now he flirts with a supposed heterosexual male? He hopes it will not end in a catastrophe!

As soon as they are alone, Matt starts to get angry.

"I’m going to choke you with a pillow and say to the nurse it was a heart attack…”  
"Come on, it was fun!”  
"He thinks we are…”  
"We kissed!”  
"But we aren’t!”  
"Naysayer!”  
"Be serious just a second!”  
"We aren’t in the same team! Stop wetting your pants off! What can he do? Lecture us? For? Getting some good time in a hospital?”  
" I…”  
"Boden won’t brag about it! But that was the first time I saw his face morphed into something like that! Hilarious! I’m Bleak Boden and I just saw two of my men screwing each other, oh my god, I may have a seizure!”

Matt cannot stop a chuckle because Kelly’s imitation is almost perfect! Well, maybe only for that he will forget about the shits Kelly had said! 

What they do not know is that Boden had given a lecture about gay and lesbian harassment! Just in case something could go wrong!  
Joe frowns a lot because they never had a problem with Shay. If that was the case, Boden would have gone berserk! He looks at the new girl wondering if she had a story about bullying. But soon enough, he watches only Gabriela because she is sniggering to the point Boden stopped his long monologue to stare at her.

"Something to add, Dawson?”  
"Nothing, Chief!”  
"Good! You’re dismissed!”

Joe looks at Christopher, Otis, Mouch, and Peter, then follows Gabriela to know what’s behind this.

"Do you know something?”  
"I may.”  
"What is it?”

She looks at the core team with a fond smile. Matt never asked her to shut the fuck up about his feelings, or maybe a little... But she is Gabriela Dawson, and she can say it to those guys because they are a team and more likely a family. And she wants to be sure everyone will be supportive, so she asks the men to gather around her, and she murmurs.

"Matt and Kelly.”

As if it explains anything, she smiles, waiting for the men to put one and one together.

"What the…?”  
"For real?”  
"Oh my gosh…”  
"No one can understand better what they are going through than the other one. Sometimes pain bound people together. At least, let's be supportive! They will need it. Kelly will need it!”  
"Sure, Chris is right. Casey and Severide had gone through multiple problems, and grieving the love of their life is the hardest. Let’s hope they will heal together. We should definitely do a party for them when Kelly would be relieved from the hospital.”  
"We can use Molly’s.”  
"Yeah. We should invite Casey’s sister and Kelly’s father.”  
"Sure! Do we need to do something… supportive too?”  
"What do you mean?”  
"I don’t know… something gayer?”

The men are wondering what something gayer is. It is not as if Kelly nor Matt were that types of gay men. Or they are hiding it really hard!

"Find a song.”  
"Lady Gaga?”  
"I don’t fucking know !”  
"Guys… you should play some Queen or the English guy… what was his name… Sommerville?”  
"George Michael!"  
"Relax, Frankie goes to Hollywood…”  
"Ok let’s make a playlist, so they’ll know we are supportive.”  
"Guys, I’ll ask my wife. She may have some good ideas about the songs.”  
"Right. Joe and Christopher: you’re gonna find a good playlist! Otis and Peter: you’ll do some good cooking, I want them to have their favorite dishes. Gabriela: you’ll invite Casey’s sister. I’ll find Kelly’s old-man. That’s our plan! As soon as we know about the date of Kelly’s release, we’re doing it!”  
"Yeah!!”

Gabriela did not realize the news will trigger that, but she cannot help a fond smile because the team is doing it, their own way. And she does not want to stop them because it would be so fun to look at!  
Anyway, if Boden knows about Kelly and Matt, that should mean Matt had taken his choice. And they were pretty explicit with their friendship becoming something more. Good! At least she knows where to stand, and maybe it is not too late to save what she can with Peter… Maybe!


	7. Chapter 7

"Can I ask you something?”  
"Sure?”

Matt was looking at Kelly's last results to his physical exams while his friend was dozing off.

"Can you put some flyers near my crash site? I want you to find back that cat.”  
"The blond cat?”  
"Yeah... If he was real, he saved my life. If he’s stray, I want to adopt him, if he isn’t, I want to thank the owner.”  
"Sure, I’ll do it.”  
"Good. Sorry, drugs are making me sleepy.”  
"Don’t worry, you need to sleep to heal.”  
"Sing me a lullaby.”  
"What the…”  
"Please.”

The fuck? Casey is taken aback. He does not know what to say, so he sighs and wonders what he will sing. He cannot think of anything right now, so he goes for Twinkle Little Star because it may be the only one he knows. And you know what? It is strange to sing THAT song to a grown-up man, but Kelly’s smile worth the oddness of it. When Kelly is deeply asleep, he asks for a sheet of paper from the nurse and starts to do his flyers.   
It is past visit time when he exits the hospital. Kelly had slept through all the evening and the start of the night, but it was comforting to hear him snore slightly. Matt will do his copies before going home, and tomorrow morning he will start to poster his flyers all around the streets.

He is doing it when an old lady comes next to him.

"Why do you search for the creamy cat?”  
"He saved the life of my friend.”

He looks slightly to the traffic light still bend down where Kelly’s car had crashed on it.

"Oh, you are one of the firefighters?”  
"Yes, madame.”  
"So you say creamy saved the guy who was in that blue car?”  
"Yes, madame. Do you know his owner?”  
"I give him some food. Creamy is a stray cat.”  
"Really? My friend wants to adopt him.”  
"Then I’ll ask someone from the shelter I know to come and catch him. If Creamy saved a life, at least your friend should do the same.”  
"He will.”

The old lady smiles a little, then shows something with her walking stick. Casey looks at the cute and tiny kitten running through the street. He leaves his flyers, trying to run for the cat. Maybe he would be able to catch him. The old lady laughs.

"He will make you run through all the city, youngster!”

And he does it! Casey is breathing heavily, the cat is nowhere to be seen, and when he was close to getting him, the devil feline scratched his arms to blood.   
When he enters Kelly’s room, the man is flirting with his nurse. He looks at Casey with a frown of his own, then laughs a little.

"What the fuck, bud? Were you attacked by a group of harpies?”  
"Only your future cat.”  
"You found it?”  
"He almost killed me!”  
"That’s my cat for sure!”

Kelly smiles some more at Matt before giving his full attention to the superb blonde. He sends a curt wink to the girl who is now caressing his torso, and Matt’s jaw cringes when he saw that. The Lieutenant is so fed up right now, but he succeeds at keeping his cool. Saying he needs a coffee, Matt gets out of the room and goes a stair down to the vending machine he had seen when Kelly was in reanimation. He almost punches the machine when she refused to give him his black coffee. He is grumbling hard against the robot when the nurse came to him.

"How he is?”  
"Fine! He flirts with his nurse!”

The girl smiles tenderly. She pushes the button for some seconds, and the machine comes to life. She seems to keep something for herself so Kelly stares at her inviting her to speak.

"Are you jealous?”  
"What?”  
"I bet. You two were cute enough for my head nurse to have a liking on you… and between you and me… she does not like people in general! I bet she is an ogress!”

He does not share her smile. She takes his goblet to put it into his hands, then she pushes the button turning it to full milk.

"Nurses are flings, nothing more, nothing less, moreover for a grown-up man who can’t move a single hand. He’ll get past to it when he’ll be released.”  
"Oh… oh my gosh! We aren’t…”  
"I do not judge.”  
"No… I mean… I don’t know! I like him, but… he tried to kill himself after his girlfriend died, and I… I think I’m still mourning mine, even if I do my best to not think about it… And… well, once, I had the stupid idea to kiss him, and I told him.”  
"And?”  
"He asked me to kiss him, so I did… and… nothing more.”  
"But you don’t like the fact he can flirt with a girl near you.”  
"Yeah… I bet a friend had me think about things I shouldn’t have.”  
"Is he a friend?”  
"He was my best friend, almost a brother… thing turned sour when I get engaged, and we fought over insignificant things. As we worked in the same place, we stayed cordial, but I miss the old time. Then, I have my part in that fiasco. I blamed him for the loss of one of our friends.”  
"Pain can be a poor advisor. Maybe you should speak about it for smoothing out the situation.”  
"Should I?”  
"You won’t lose anything to try.”  
"We found back some of our broken friendship. I don’t want to fuck up.”  
"Be true with your heart.”  
"I’ll try. Thank you.”  
"If you need another coffee and an attentive ear, I am always here. Feel free to come and taste the most horrid coffee of your life. Trust me, you should have taken it with plenty of milk.”

Matt blinks in front of his coffee before trying it. He makes a face at its sourness because it is not black coffee! It is coffee ground with some added bitterness. He accepts the two sugar sachets the nurse is providing him, hoping it will be enough to smoothen that taste.

"Sometimes, I ask myself if they don’t put cyanuric in that!”  
"You really should complain about it.”  
"We had. They changed supplier.”  
"For that?”  
"It is tastier than the last one…”  
"I’m so sorry for your taste buds.”  
"Rest In Peace, my picky palate!”

There, he smiles with her, sharing a toast to that because he will never complain anymore when Peter will prepare a swill coffee.

"Thank you.”  
"You should get back to him before he has any corrupt ideas…”  
"I bet he already is. I’m pretty sure he already slept with half the city!”  
"A real Casanova?”  
"For my greatest dismay!”

He nods to her, drinking his coffee in one gulp because even with the sugar it still tastes like poison.   
Then after a last shared smile, Matt goes back to Kelly’s room and is relieved to see the girl is nowhere to be found.


	8. Chapter 8

"You took your sweet time!”  
"Sorry I spoke with a nurse.”  
"My nurse?”  
"Ex-nurse, the one in reanimation.”  
"Cute ginger?”  
"Affirmative.”  
"So, do you get her number?”  
"No. I’m not Mister: "I can’t keep my dick in my pants".”  
"Well, I don’t have pants!”  
"You’re impossible!”  
"And you are totally jealous.”  
"I’m…”

Matt is red again. This word may be totally pertinent. Kelly cannot say if he is enjoying it or not, so he brushes his words off and looks at the side table. He wishes to take his bottle of juice, but the cleaning lady has pushed the table too far for him to reach for it.

"Mind to give me that? I’m thirsty.”  
"I… er… sure! Let me help!”  
"Thank man…”  
"Here.”  
"Will you go back to work soon?”  
"When Boden will ask.”  
"So maybe, you’ll have a week or more.”  
"Why?”  
"I still have a sprained wrist…”  
"Fuck you!”

Kelly is lucky Matt cannot hit him right now, but vengeance is a dish best served cold… So, he stays cool, yet he already thinks of everything he will do when Kelly would feel better.

"How are you?”  
"Always those itchy sensations because it’s healing! Still high on morphine, so… I’m cool. And the nurse has big boobs!”  
"Shut up, or I gag you.”  
"Come on…”  
"I am not kidding…”  
"Ok, Ok! Grouchy irritable bear.”  
"Fuck you…”  
"Ok! Come if you’re a man, I’m waiting for you!”

They are bickering at each other when Mouch and Christopher enter the room. The two men look at each other, wondering if they actually are the witnesses of a domestic dispute. Mouch frowns a little, but Christopher shrugs while stepping into the room.

"How is our accident victim?”  
"He is manhandled by this guy! You really should send him back to work.”  
"I’ll manhandle you… Kelly… I’ll do it whenever those casts are taken off.”  
"Do you hear, guys? It’s a death threat!”  
"Well, well, well, calm boys! I’m pretty sure it wasn’t said that way.”  
"God, yeah, it was meant that way.”

Kelly frowns, looking at Matthew because he never saw his friend so close to taking a bad boy attitude. He never saw him with that dark feature in his eyes... Maybe he really thinks about strangling him!

"When you are doing your psychotic killer, you’re pretty hot, Casey! Do any of your girls had ever said that to you?”  
"Maybe because none of my girls saw me like that!”

Mouch nudges Christopher in the arm because Gabriela and the Chief were right… They had their proof!

"Then I’m special. Nice! Ok, guys... How’s the 51?”  
"Nothing special… Same old stories. But yesterday we had the best call of all the month!”  
"What was it? Fire? Accident?”  
"No… A kid wanted to play superman, and… his cape stayed warped into a branch.”  
"He was stuck there for almost one hour! We had to trim the tree for the large scale to go for him. And all along he didn't stop screaming like a rabid animal!”  
"I bet it was priceless!”  
"It was. Seems he’s a problematic child. Maybe he’ll listen now to his mother!”  
"Kids… nowadays…”

Mouch cracks up a smile then takes a seat next to Kelly's bed.

"Do you know when you’ll be released?”  
"Not sure, I bet it can take some weeks.”  
"Ok, don’t worry about the team, Boden is taking your role with ease, and Peter is helping a lot.”  
"Cool… I feel better about that.”  
"You, you need to think only about yourself. And Matt is here to take care of you.”

Christopher is amazed by Mouch's sentence. He nods, trying hard to feel supportive for the new couple. Matt and Kelly must know they are ok with it. They really don’t care. Love shouldn’t be a matter of sex in the first place, so if the men feel better and safer to be how they wish to be, even in front of them, they should know they are ok with it! Christopher smiles at the couple.

"Yeah, he is doing great. He sang me Twinkle Little Star yesterday.”  
"Because you asked me to!”  
"I asked for a lullaby!”  
"It is a lullaby!”  
"Am I a kid?”  
"You’re definitely worse than that!”  
"You’re cute… well… to some extent!”

Wait… what? Kelly turns a surprising stare to Mouch because he doesn’t understand that… fucking word! Cute? Who? Them? Right now, he wants to kick that fucking Blondie to the move and over!

"I beg your pardon?”  
"Let’s say I said nothing. We need to go anyway, Molly’s will open in some minutes, better not to leave Otis alone too much!”  
"Yeah… You’re right Mouch... see you later guys!”

When the door closed, Christopher blames Mouch for being too straightforward. They said they will be supportive, not confrontative. If Matt and Kelly need some more times before saying out loud, they have to wait. Until they are ready, all they can do is support their relationship!

"What was that?”  
"Who knows? It’s Mouch!”  
"Yeah… maybe… that was odd…”  
"Sure it was! So, where were we?”  
"I’m going home.”  
"Already?”  
"First, I woke up at 5 putting your flyers everywhere in the streets. Second, YOUR cat tried to kill me at least twice by running in front of a car without warning! Third, I run for at least 2 hours! Forth, he scratches me to blood… Fifth, the coffee here is disastrous, and I have a stomach ache since then!”  
"My poor babe!”  
"Sixth, I do want you dead right now!”  
"Squishy tomato!”

You know what? Thinking it was funny, saying it out loud is more… creepy! He should go slow with his brain when he is high on morphine.

"Can you repeat that?”  
"I… you should… yeah, go to bed.”  
"I should, yeah…”

They part in disturbing silence. Kelly rolls his eyes, but even that is painful. He hopes he did not screw with Matt. It is good to have back his long-lost friend. He does not remember when they started to grow apart. Maybe when Matt began to date with Hallie. It turned sour after Andy’s death… But they got back together when Renée left when he broke up with Erin and when Hallie died. Each time they got trashed in Matt’s house like the old buddies they were. They get together when they are in painful moments… Like right now.


	9. Chapter 9

Matthew is cooking his breakfast when his phone rings. He looks at the number to see if it is the hospital, but the number is unfamiliar. The Lieutenant wonders if it is just some bullshit about selling things he does not need. But as he remembers he has left his phone number for Kelly’s cat, Matt snatches it while he scrambles his eggs.

"Are you Mister Fireman?”  
"Yeah? Who ask me?”  
"I’m sorry we didn’t have the time to exchange names. I’m the old lady taking care of Creamy. The sheltered girl got him. She took him to the shelter to examine him. I have given her your number, so she’ll call you when Creamy would be ready to be adopted.”  
"Thank you, that’s good news! My friend will be happy.”  
"Thank you. Take care of Creamy, please. He is a little reckless. One day or another, Creamy would have been hit by a car. Poor dear. But now, he has a family. Ho! Do you know?”  
"No… er… what?”  
"Cats bring people closer, that’s how I met my husband. So, I wish you a good and happy life with your dear one!”  
"Er… we aren’t…”  
"Nowadays, you, guys, can do whatever you want. In my old time, it wasn’t something you should have speak of. But now… It’s pretty common. My neighbor… she prefers girls, anyway, she is so sweet! She carries my groceries to my first floor each time she finds me with my bag. I have to tell you... Before, I couldn’t be near some people like that. I didn't hate them, but it was just common to set that aside because it wasn’t allowed in my time, but now… I don’t mind anymore. As long as she is correct, she can love whomever she wants. Same to you. Only good people take care of stray cats, so I know you will worth Creamy’s love. Take good care of you and your… friend!”

What the… fuck!?! Was he so… obvious? Matt is not even sure what he wants, but everybody seems to believe Kelly is his fiancé or something like that! Matt sighs because the world is crazy! Kelly is only a friend! They got things to work on before Matt would allow himself to ponder about the possible fact he can be in love with his best friend!

Luckily, Bowden asks him if he wants to come back, and Matt said yes because he needs his duties! Even if Boden has spoken about part-time work because the psychologist thinks Matt is not ready yet to get back on the field. At least he can come to the casern and help with materials, foods, and reports. Matt is happy to even help Boden with financial records as long as he has something to do! After work, he spends some time with Kelly, and they are working on their friendship. The nurse was correct. Smoothing the past was the best move to do.

"I’m sorry. I was awful to you back then.”  
"You were right. It was partly my fault. Andy shouldn’t have done that, but I asked him, and he died. You already know the hard way is the only way I know. It made me realize it was indeed my fault, and it helped me to… you know. Forgive myself. Because I wanted to do something.”  
"I should have supported you.”  
"You’re not my mother, nor my girl, you know. Friendship is to be trustful enough to speak the truth.”  
"Then I speak truth here. I’m sorry. I missed you.”  
"I missed you too…”  
"Glad to hear it.”  
"While we are to the truth and sharing our feelings like ladies… do you have something to tell me?”  
"Me?”  
"You know, I may be a little low to understand things, but I’m not high enough to miss some… how to say it nicely… of your… stares.”  
"My… oh…”

Hu, ho! Matt does not want to speak about that right now because he still does not know what he wants. Kelly’s friendship is likable. Sure, sometimes Matt thinks about their possible life if he had the guts to kiss him that time. They were trashed, Matt was fucking horny, and he wanted to kiss Kelly. Why? He does not know… Now he had kissed the man, but not in the same mood, not with want, not with something sexual behind it. Their kiss was… just a kiss, nothing less, nothing more because it was just a promise.

"To be true, Matt... Leslie is not… I still can’t for now. And I’m not interested in guys, to be frank.”  
"I know…”  
"But to be entirely true… IF I had to… test that with a man, I’ll choose you.”  
"Really?”  
"Yeah. You’re my best bud, and things couldn’t be awkward with you. Like it wasn’t with Shay.”  
"Yeah… I bet.”  
"So… if one day you find your own truth… Share it with me. I won’t kill you for that. But… Casey… protect your heart! I’m still a playboy. Until I can fall in love, I’ll be flirty with everything I fancy.”  
"I know… it’s just…”  
"I saw. I bet the coffee was less bitter than your heart.”  
"Mostly.”  
"Don’t fall in love with me Matt. You can’t love something so broken. But I’ll work on it.”

Matt knows he must not love Kelly. Kelly is not gay, he never saw him flirt with a male, so, even if they kiss, it means nothing. Nothing more than a little game and maybe some friend with benefits. They don't speak for a moment examining the other with attention, mostly Kelly because Matt is his friend, the situation is funny, but he does not wish Matt to suffer any of it.

"By the way, they got your crazy cat.”  
"Nice.”  
"The old lady called him Creamy.”  
"What the fuck that’s a pole dancer’s name!”  
"Perfect name for a womanizer!”

Kelly may have a playboy etiquette, he may like going out and fuck with girls. But he does not like this word because he respects the girls he flirts with. Being a Casanova does not mean he does not treat well his partners!

"Fuck you!”  
"Did you ever try?”  
"Try what?”  
"Fucking yourself!”

Fucking himself? No way! If there are other people around, it is to share pleasure with them! But wait a minute, he thought Matthew was more vanilla and prudish!

"What a shameful idea! Take a girl to bang, man! I pity you!”  
"I don’t fuck for the only pleasure to fuck. I need more than that.”  
"That’s why you have Gabriela.”  
"Had. It’s done, finished.”  
"Why?”

He cannot really answer that. Partly because it will be shit, and they had not stopped their truth talking. Sure, it was slightly because Gabriela still loves Mills. It was because Matt is not sure she will stay in the first place. Or if she would be good to him. Matt and Gabriela, their couple was destroyed as soon as Shay had died. Because Kelly needed him, and he chose Kelly over Dawson. He had chosen his long-last-friend because he may, or he may not love him.

"Because of me?”  
"Partly.”  
"I… I don’t know what to say, man! You’re making me… uneasy right now.”  
"Don’t be. I will always chose you, no matter what! Not only because I have strange feelings toward you, but between my best friend and a girl who may or may not be in love with me and/or Mills... I will choose you. Plus, she had said something I cannot forgive her.”  
"What is it?”  
"She convinces me I was wrong to… believe you would kill yourself. I know you for years and when I saw you last time… I knew! That’s why I gave you twice the dosage to sleep.”  
"Don’t blame yourself.”  
"I cannot lose you too. Not after Hallie, not after all the shits with my mom, not after Andy, not after Shay… I can’t lose you. You’re the last person I care for… the last person I get, to be sure my father was fucking wrong!”

Kelly has his share of troubles with his dad, but Casey’s one is another story. He almost breaks his son’s self-confidence. Scratch that! The man destroyed it, and Kelly had passed the last years to help Matt to find it back.

"Come here. I’m… I’m still here. Ok? Don’t let his words shaping you like that. You worth much m…”

When he asked Matt to come closer, it was just to pat his head. But without warning, the man kisses him all fierce and daring. Matt is dominant but sweet. He is kind but greedy. Kelly cannot care less that the door is opening because he cannot leave Matt's eyes and the distress in them. It is disturbing. Kelly is not sure if it is because Matt is kissing him, or because Matt is hot. An intense but deeply troubled kiss it is.  
When his friend starts to grasp what he is doing, he parts from Kelly hastily. Matt is doing his best to NOT look at him, and when Kelly casted arm comes closer, Matt stumbles as if Kelly was a threat. That troubled and chastized stare is a pang in Kelly's heart, but then Matt looked at Gabriela with a sheer look of horror. He is now redder than he ever was in front of Kelly. His friend is convinced Matt will make a syncope, but he flees out of the room without a word.

"Sorry to… interrupt. I will knock next time.”  
"You should! And you should go for…”  
"No. Us is no more, he doesn’t want me next to him right now. That’s from Otis and Mills they made you some home-made soup and juice, I don’t know if you can eat actually.”  
"Only the juice.”  
"Ok, I’m going to put it there on your side table, it’s pineapple.”  
"Tell them they are godlike!”  
"I will!”  
"I’m sorry… for you and Matt.”  
"I’m not. I prefer to know I can’t be his priority now than later. It’s easier to break now.”  
"Do you think he loves me?”  
"He may. But let me tell you one thing. If he does, he chose to put it aside, and everything he puts aside is killing him.”  
"Like his old man…”  
"Yeah. I don’t know if you two would be a good idea or the worse ever. I don’t know if Matt wants it in the first place, but Kelly… take it easy on him.”  
"I will.”  
"Thank you. Now, I’m off! Mills is waiting for me.”  
"Good evening.”  
"Yeah, you too!”

He kissed Kelly! He really kissed Kelly, with want, sheer want! He kissed him like he wanted to do it that night, with the same pleasure he had fantasized. If the kiss had been really shared, it would have been better! Matthew wince because this should be the first step toward his answer. He may want Kelly. He may love him because Matt does not like sex without feeling. Ok, maybe friendly sentiments are enough. He does not know! He never had sex with a friend beforehand!  
Matt sighs, switching off his computer. During the last week, he tried his best to visit Kelly only with someone else. Matt cannot face the man all alone right now. He is a coward! Today, though, the Lieutenant will not be able to escape a one-on-one with his friend. He will need to face it eventually! Matthew is quitting his job when his cell-phone rings.

"Yeah?”  
"Are you Mister… er… Fireman?”  
"I am. Are you the Shelter Girl?”  
"That’s it! Creamy is ready. She was neutered, her vaccines are done, and she is in good health. Ho, yeah, Creamy is a she! I hope it doesn't matter! She’s a little frightened about mostly everything, so you will need to install a cat tree and some shelves for her to be comfortable enough.”  
"I don't think it'll be problematic. When can I come?”  
"Right now.”  
"Ok, leave me an hour or two... I need to get her some food and all!”  
"Ok, see you soon, Mister Fireman!”

He stopped Mouch before the man entered the break room to ask him if he knows any pet shop in the neighborhood. The man does not seem to know, but he calls Mills as he was the one taking care of their dog. Following Peter’s recommendations, he walks to the best shop in town. Matt hopes he will find something cool enough for Creamy!


	10. Chapter 10

It is too bad Kelly cannot move because the store is gigantic, and Matt does not know what to buy. He would be happy to know what Kelly would want in the first place, but Casey will manage. In the end, he asked a vendor what he should buy because he does not want to stay in that store for hours! 

First, the man escorts him to the transport box department, but there is no way Kelly would be the sort of man to carry his cat in that sort of thing! Then Matt saw that perfect backpack! The girl on the phone said Creamy liked height, so it will be perfect! Matt chose it all black with a good side view for Creamy. He makes sure the bag is hard enough to be secured, even if the vendor assured it. Professional deformation!   
Then he follows the man to the food department. He does not know what to chose because Matt had not asked for Creamy's age nor race. So, he takes whatever the vendor is giving him! Two different boxes of kibbles for cats and two distinct flavors of canned cat food, with their dispenser and bowls. He has a feeling the guy is ripping him off, but that is for Kelly and his cat!

The bill is as revolting as the very fact he will need to keep that crazy cat for at least two weeks! Kelly will pay for that! 

"Here she is, isn’t she an angel?”

Not really! And as soon as the cat saw him, she started to hiss.

"Oww, why are you so mad?”  
"I don’t think she likes me.”

And he does not like her either! This cat really tried to kill him... TWICE!

"Aren’t you the new owner?”  
"No. Creamy saved my friend’s life. He wishes to adopt her, but he’s still in the hospital. I’ll take care of Creamy until he can be released.”  
"What a charming story! Is it real? Did you save his friend? Good girl! What happened?”  
"Car accident. If this little girl wasn’t there, he would be… he wouldn’t have a break.”  
"A real little angel! Ho! I love those backpacks! I hope she’ll enjoy the ride. Let’s see...”

It took a complete hour to make her enter the backpack and some bloody hands!   
Matt frowns, wondering if he would make it alive through the next weeks! 

Entering a cat in a hospital is not the easiest task, but he wanted Kelly to see his new pet. He gets the luck to find his nurse friend when he tries hard to convince another nurse to let him go.

"What's the ruckus here?”  
"He came with a cat.”  
"Is it yours?”  
"Kelly’s.”  
"Oh, it is so cute! It will help with the mood! Follow me. I will let you enter that way. It will be our secret. But do not meow, ok? If so, the harpies of the yellow service will be mad."  
"Thank you, it will be quick!”

Matt almost runs to Kelly’s room, fearing Creamy to be too noisy and make them being busted by the head nurse! 

He comes near the bed where Kelly is sleeping peacefully. The staff had taken off most of the bandages today, there are still the two casts on his right side, some gauzes on his face and torso, but that is way better! Matt smiles, Kelly is lucky, or maybe Kelly is correct, and Leslie had protected him.   
The sleeping-face of his friend is so endearing, Matthew can look at it for hours. Matt was about to brush Kelly's hair when a meow comes from his bag. As a result, Kelly opens his eyes. 

"Are you meowing?”  
"Idiot! That’s you frigging cat!”  
"Pole dancer’s name cat?”  
"Yeah, take a look at that.”

Matt turns his back to Kelly, showing the porthole and the cat meowing through it.

"Hum, that’s my cat! Hey, Kitty! Let’s take a sit with it.”  
"It’s her.”  
"Her? I will definitely change that name!”  
"Ok, but just some minutes, I don’t want her to be traumatized by the bag. It was already a big challenge to make her enter it! And you will leave her to me for at least some more weeks! I already hate you for that!”  
"She’s so sweet, how can you say that! You’ll be nice with Matt, won’t you?”

Matt must be blessed, at least a little. Because of Creamy, he will escape the one-on-one discussion they would have about that kiss! Matt will think about thanking that demon... maybe!  
Creamy seems to answer Kelly with another meow. Matt thinks they are cute together, and maybe the cat will help Kelly to find some love. They speak for ten minutes, then Matt goes home because Creamy needs to exit the bag, and the nurses would have definitely found them with a cat in the hospital!

He thought it will be hell? It is mayhem! As soon as he opened the bag, Creamy started to do all the possible silly things she could think of. Casey is on the verge of killing the cat when Dawson rings.

"What? Do you need anything?”  
"Why are you bleeding?”  
"I’m going to kill her!”

Dawson is hearing some havoc, something broke, and Casey started to pull out his own hair. Gabriela frowns. She enters the hall to see chaos. Books everywhere on the floor, a shattered vase, some apples on the floor, and a white comet running behind them. She could not even recognize what was that thing...

"What was that?”  
"The pole dancer’s named cat Kelly had just adopted!”  
"The what?”  
"Creamy, Gabriela. Gabriela, that was Creamy! Kelly's cat. Long story short, Kelly owns her his life, so here I have his cat until he’s out of the hospital!”  
"I thought you don’t like cats?”  
"I don’t…”  
"But for Kelly, you’ll manage?”  
"Somewhat! If I don’t kill her beforehand!”  
"Ok… Let me handle that! You need… let me think… Do you have some quills or something fluffy and light-weighted?”  
"Quills? I don’t think so…”  
"Even on a hat or something?”  
"Oh yeah, the fedora. Let me grab it! Anyway, I hate that hat.”  
"Why do you have it, then?”  
"A gift from an ex!”

He studies Gabriela while she is making a cat toy with the quill, some glue, some fishing line, and a little bell she just took off from an old Christmas decoration Creamy was able to snatch from under an item of furniture. When done, she is shaking up the toy, making the cat run with her and the giggling quill. This is the first reason he loved her because Gabriela is always full of resources! She is a good person with a kind heart and a future good mother. He almost thought about making a family with her… But even if she is beautiful and easy to love, he cannot go on living in his own lies.

"There! Try it! Come on, you'll enjoy it!”

Ok, he can have some quality time with a cat without shouts and blood. That’s nice to know, but Creamy is tireless, and he thanks Dawson for her time with them.

"I came to take my belongings.”  
"Thank you.”  
"No problem.”  
"I… I want to… you have to know I loved you. I still love you. But I need to know who I am and where I go beforehand.”  
"I know.”  
"I… think I love him too.”  
"Matt, I know. It's ok!”  
"But I can live with his friendship.”  
"But everyone will be set aside each time he will need you.”  
"That’s how it’ll be.”

Gabriela frowns. Matt thinks it's because she is hurt in her feelings, but she only thinks about Matt's well-being. It was always her preoccupation!

"Is it physical?”  
"Do you mean… do I want to fuck with him?”  
"Yeah... Physical!”  
"Not really. Maybe… I don’t know… I am still confused. I kissed him.”  
"I saw that! It was super steamy!”  
"I didn’t realize it before you… before… I don’t know what happened!”  
"You totally know… south brainer! And I bet you’re doing your best to NOT speak about it.”  
"I don’t want to.”  
"You should. Don’t be hot and cold. It was fucking difficult to deal with that side of you. Don’t get so… fucking cerebral.”  
"That’s how I am!”  
"Until your craving or your lust speaks for you… Yeah… being with you was a fight, Matt. You are a good man, you’re sweet and caring, but stop rejecting people from your heart. Let them come to you, let them know you, and pity, let you know who you are! What are you afraid of?”

That's a good question. Matt signs, he drops his gaze, trying hard to escape Dawson's stare, but she grabs his chin, forcing him to face her. She never had done that as his girlfriend. But now, Gabriela is no more his girlfriend!

"I don’t know. I don't know what happened to me. I loved Hallie, I really loved her... but something is off with me. I never had done my grieving, and... I wasn't like Kelly's one. It wasn't as hard as what he is going through. Did I ever love someone like he loved Shay?”  
"Yeah... Kelly."

Matt is petrified for a long moment, then he closes his eyes and starts to cry. Gabriela embraces Matt because she knows how much it is painful for him to speak about his feelings. To talk about Hallie! Matt is doing his best to be ok with his life, but he is not.   
He does not even know why he cannot be happy with his present-time because Matt chose to forget his past until he cannot go on forgetting. Shay’s death, then Kelly’s mourning makes it reappeared… He is not ok with Hallie’s death. He never was… Plus, Matt never was ok with the nonchalance he coped with her death.

She helps him to bed, but she will not stay. She cannot because Matt will once more set it down! Because they may fuck, and it is not what he needs right now! She has to leave for him to face, as a man, his own feelings.

During the night, while he cannot stop crying something warm and fluffy climbs onto his shoulder. He can hear purrs just behind him, and the cat gives him a comforting meow. It is not Kelly, sure, but it is better than anything. His hand tries to reach the cat, but the devilish feline bites him. Matt sighs and closes his eyes because that is definitely working on his mood, even if the cat is still half demonic!


	11. Chapter 11

When he enters Kelly’s room the next day, his eyes are still puffy. It is good he has the day off today because he would not be able to work as he did not sleep at all. He yawns, taking a seat next to Kelly’s bed. He sighs and started to doze off while waiting for Kelly to be back from whatever physical examen he was sent. If he correctly remembers, Kelly had an appointment with the ophthalmologist!

"You look like shit.”  
"Yeah. You too.”

Casey looks at the nurse putting back Kelly into his bed. Matt is almost thanking God because the nurse is a male, so he will not have to deal with Kelly’s flirtatious side! As soon as the man had helped Kelly’s seating, Matthew takes over, bringing the side table to Kelly’s reach and patting the pillows for his friend to be at ease. Kelly smiles while Matt is doing that, but he does not make him stop.

"What’s going on?”  
"Bad night. But your cat was at least comforting…”  
"You really need a girl.”  
"No. I need to leave a girl behind.”  
"Gabriela?”  
"Hallie…”

Even at that time, Kelly had not had the words to speak to Matt. He offered him booze and more booze until they collapse on the ground. He remembers Shay shouting them to stand the fuck up and clean their mess, and they had a laugh because of her sleepy face and her tousled hair. The next day, all the booze was nowhere to be found, and the fridge was full of broccolis…Yeah, Leslie was the sort of girl you should not have messed with. Plus, she totally kicked his ass later on that day. But that is how Kelly works. Coping with alcohol is his only way…

"If you find a way better than booze, sex, and suicidal thoughts, let me know.”  
"I’ll do it. So… care to tell me why you didn’t finish your lunch? Come on, man! You need to feed yourself, be glad you have better than those awful broths! What’s the matter with that soup?”

"It’s green! Greener than the fucking grass…”  
"Let me guess… Broccoli?”  
"Is that from you?”  
"I wish, but no, not this time…”  
"I hate you so much…”  
"I’ll treat you a hot chocolate. How does it sound?”  
"Well, I like you a little much!”  
"Don’t move Casanova, I’ll go get you one!”  
"Thank you, Prince Charming!”

Matt chuckles. He goes to the floor below to find his friendly nurse, but she is soothing a family. It seems serious enough for the old man to stumble on the ground, crying like a demented man while his spouse embraces him in her arms. Something grave happened, maybe a child… He cannot see him having children because it is not how Matt sees his life. And mostly, it is his father's fault. How could Matt be a father with that model?! But what would he do if the person he would be with wanted a child? He tries to imagines adopting a child with Kelly but that’s so fucking disturbing he stopped as soon as the image came to his mind! So, fucking irresponsible!

"What with that face?”  
"I just imagined us having a child…”  
"Us? Well... you may be a Prince Charming, but I don’t think you can give birth! And I'm pretty sure I cannot help you in that matter whatever I could do!”  
"Adoption! What are you thinking about?!”  
"I don’t know. As you have a crush on me… I don’t know what’s in your mind…”  
"I think I’ll keep that chocolate!”  
"Ok… ok! Sorry. But you do have a crush on me!”

Well, if they were not in a hospital and if the said chocolate was not boiling alive his digits, he would have thrown it on his friend. But Casey is civilized, so he gives the cup to Kelly but knocks his head in the meantime.

"You’re mean with me.”  
"I have reasons, you know… So how is your eye?”  
"Scanner was good. They’ll take off the patch tomorrow. We’ll know.”  
"Ok. What time?”  
"I don’t know. The professor is always here early.”  
"Ok, I’ll take my day off. Let me reach Boden.”  
"You don’t have to…”  
"I want to be here.”  
"Ha! Let me guess, you want you to be the first thing I see with that new eye of me!”  
"Maybe! Maybe I put some magic filter in that chocolate…”  
"I would bet on poison!”  
"Who knows…”

Kelly is patiently waiting while Matt goes into the head nurse's office to phone the casern. He wonders why Matt thought about having a child with him. Kelly is not sure he will ever want another child... That plan was only for Leslie. Drinking his hot chocolate, he tries to picture it. He tries hard to conceive him with Matt in a relationship, leading them to adopt or marry... And he cannot!  
What can he do? What should he do? Should he remind Matt they are only friends? Or was it only a dumb and silly thought like when Kelly tried to visualize himself as a drag queen when he looked at that strange TV show with Shay?

"Ok, I'll be here!"  
"And how is my Pole Dancer Cat?”  
"Crazy, tireless, and wild…”  
"Nice, that’s my girl! I hope she’s a nightmare.”  
"She is.”  
"Matt?”  
"Yeah?”  
"Can I move on too?”  
"Where? To my house?”  
"I can’t go home… not now. I need… time.”  
"Sure… we’ll manage something.”  
"You’re my Sweet Prince!”

He smiles when Matt starts to redden, but soon the man groans, and Kelly had the reflex to avoid the new knock on his head with a smirk.

"When will you be released?”  
"Maybe next week. I’ll still have health care to do and some more MRI scans. Then it will be physio when they would remove the casts… By the way, how is my car?”  
"Your… car? I don’t know. It was only sheets of metal. I didn’t try to look after it.”  
"Fuck… I will need to find another one! I won't be able to ride my bike for some more months!”  
"Speaking of that, you’ll owe me 75 bucks!”  
"For?”  
"Crazy pole dancer cat supplies!”  
"What did you get her? A SPA?!”  
"Only the best…”  
"You’re skinning me alive, man!”  
"You can pay me… in… kind.”

Paying in kind? Really? Does Matt really think about what he actually thinks he is thinking?! Or is it to mess up with him like Kelly loves to do? Kelly cannot settle the matter...

"Seen this way, I don’t want to know what are you thinking right now!”  
"You’ll know when you’ll move!”  
"I think I’ll ask Mouch.”  
"He is with his Japanese girlfriend now!”  
"Fuck! Otis?”  
"Lives with his cousin, and she is already engaged with Cruz. He won’t dare to have you around!”  
"Ok, so Joe!”  
"No way, only a studio apartment.”  
"I can try Gabriela…”  
"Living with Mills of half living with him…”  
"I’m doomed!”  
" Unless you move with Boden, you’re all mine, Casanova!”

They laugh for some time, suddenly a knock makes them jump because no one knocks from their family! The person entering is the cute ginger girl. She doesn’t wear her nurse uniform anymore and she smiles happily when she looks at the two men laughing.

"I saw you, sorry… I came to say “Hi.” How are you Mr. Severide?”  
"Fine, almost the end of the real ordeal.”  
"Good. I’m glad you make it though.”  
"I won’t leave that dickhead all alone, he wouldn’t be able to find his way through the city without me!”  
"I don’t need you, douchebag!”  
"Let me work my magic for you… Well… Miss… ?”  
"Call me Lisa.”  
"Lisa. My friend here just broke up with his girlfriend. He needs to get out a little, maybe a restaurant or a movie. He is a veritable Prince Charming, so be sure he won’t hit on you unless you want him to do it. Please, don’t you see his puppy eyes and face? Would you be so kind, to give him your number?”

Lisa smiles a little while Matt is totally outraged by Kelly's words. She opens her purse, takes a tiny red pad in a heart-shape, then starts writing on it. She gives him to Matt with a sly smile.

"I can use a friend for a movie tonight. I had a bad day, too.”  
"Er… ok. I’ll call!”  
"Then, I’m leaving you. You seem to have fun. See you around.”

When she is out, Matt looks at Kelly with sharp eyes. After what he had said to Lisa, he could not believe what had tried Kelly!

"What?”  
"I speak about you with her! Fuck Kelly… what I’ll do?!”  
"Look at a movie? I don’t ask you to fuck her. You need a friend right now. And as you just said, you spoke to her. So it means you like her, at least as a friend. And don’t speak about me with her. It’s freaking!”  
"I hate you.”  
"Nah… I’m your crush.”  
"I’m going to kill you!!!”  
"Yeah, yeah… Now… Want to sing some cheesy lines for me? I think I'll sleep a little...”  
"You’re a dick!”

But Casey is singing nonetheless, and Kelly cannot stop smiling as the man next to him sing another pop song, cheesy, cliché, and full of love. Yeah... Casey wants more…


	12. Chapter 12

Kelly often speaks the truth when it comes to Matt. Casey walks with Lisa in the streets as they just get out of the theatre where they had seen an action movie. They are speaking about the scenario when they stumble on Christopher and his wife.   
They decide to share a coffee with the other couple in the nearest Starbucks, speaking about firefighter’s life and things like that. Lisa is the kindest person he never got the chance to know. They fit perfectly! Sometimes they think the same, and she finishes his sentence with great genuine care when he stumbles on a word or the way to express himself. That is so fucking cute, and he kissed her on the cheek. He does not understand why Herrman is looking to him with that concern. Maybe he thinks he is still with Gabriela. When they part, Chris takes his phone.

"Mouch! We need to do something right now.”  
"Why? What’s happening!”  
"I just met Matt, and he is with a new girl. I bet they are trying hard to not look… suspicious!”  
"Do you think he… cheats on Kelly?”  
"I don’t know, man, but we must be sure they don’t hide in a false life just for our sake!”  
"Ok… what can we do?”  
"Let’s ask Otis to pretend he just found a boyfriend!”  
"What?”  
"I am married, I can’t! You are with your Japanese girlfriend, so you can’t. Joe can’t lie. So, we need Otis on that!”  
"Ok… let me ask him.”  
"Are you sure you need to stumble in their affairs?”  
"Cindy, it’s a matter of life and death. At the 51, we accept everyone as they are!”  
"But Matt and Kelly? I’m not sure…”  
"Boden is sure of himself!”  
"Really?”  
"Ok… Otis will pretend he is interested in the gay friend of his cousin. He’s happy to help too. For love and pride!”  
"For love and pride!!”

Cindy looks disbelievingly at her husband. She knows she cannot stop him when he has a dumb idea, but that one is a little excessive! She groans because that thing will explode if Kelly and Matt aren’t in a relationship in the first place. And with Kelly’s past and Matt’s one, they are unlikely to happen. Sure, unhappy love affairs can put people in strange behavior! Some men even swear to get gay for that reason, but being gay is totally different. You do not become one for protecting yourself. You are one. And Kelly is definitely not gay. At least friend with benefits of something like that… but she cannot imagine him seriously loving a man… Well, maybe Cindy is wrong... And she hopes that is the case because if she is right, her husband is doing something really crazy!

"Keep your eyes closed until I’m finished.”

Matt is more stressed than Kelly, or he managed to not show it. The scar is almost healed. The surgeon was really a good one because it is mostly invisible! Only Kell’s right eyebrow shows the sign of scar tissues. He inhales deeply when the doctor asks Kelly to open his eyes. If Kelly cannot see anymore, he would not be able to keep his duties, it’ll be already hard for him to go back on the field, but with only one eye… 

"Don’t force, if there is any pain…”  
"Non, it's ok... It’s just a little blurry.”  
"It happens. You almost lost your eye, you were really lucky. You’ll need to have another surgery to get your eyesight back. Let me examine you.”

Ok, Matt is relieved a little since Kelly can see. The eye is not blind. That alone is good news since the doctor had assured them things could improve if the sight was still here.   
Matt manages to sit down, but he keeps watching the doctor and Kelly during the medical examination.

"Good. I see no sign of permanent damage, but you’ll need to come back for another fundoscopic examination and maybe some more laser sessions. I’ll book you an appointment during the next week.”  
"Thank you.”  
"If it’s too disabling a nurse will patch it again.”  
"Well, to be true... I’m glad I can see with two eyes, even if one is blurry. It’s ok, I’ll manage.”  
"Do you have any more questions?”  
"No, thank you for saving it.”  
"It’s my duty.”

The man stands up and leaves the room, while Kelly looks at Matt. He is glad his friend is here. If the news were disappointing, Matt would have been here to help, even if it would have been for him to lash at him… But everything is ok. He blinks some more, trying to focus on his half blurred surroundings then sighs.

"Are you ok?”  
"Yeah, don’t worry. I should be thankful to still see. And if with the lasers I can have back my sight, it would be good. So how was the movie?”  
"Nice. We get along.”  
"I hope you didn’t speak about me.”  
"Just a little.”  
"Good. Let me grab that fucking tv controller and put some very exciting animal documentary about whatever they fancy. Yesterday it was penguins! Do you know male penguins actually brood the egg?”  
"Err… I think I already hear that yeah.”

Kelly tries to reach for the remote but lets it fall on the ground. As Matt is near, he bows to take the thing, but Kelly is doing the same because he can move a little now. Kelly is frustrated because he always needed Matt or nurses to help him with almost anything those last weeks.   
Even if his left wrist is still painful, he tries hard to do things all alone. In the end, their head crashed against each other, and Kelly wince.

"Sorry. Are you ok?”  
"Are you trying to kill me?”  
"No sorry… let me help.”  
"Please, let me do something as easy as that, at least alone. I can do it!”

It is painful to see Kelly trying hard to reach the item on the ground. The brunet still has some pain in his wrist and ribs, and he groans at the effort.  
Matt slightly pushes the controller toward Kelly to help him just a little, and the man smile fondly.

"Got it! The fuck! It’s like winning a marathon!”  
"Take it easy…”  
"Yeah, but I want to do things. It helps improve my mood, you know! It’s boring here. Yesterday the best part of my day was to reach toilets before I pee on myself! I’m dying here, man…”  
"Let me help you when I’m here, you know you can ask me anything.”  
"I know, I just don’t want to. Remember the scratchy session?”  
"Ok… but that was epic!”  
"It was… his face was hilarious. So, what’s on TV? Soap, soap, some more soap, and… more soaps! Fuck, do you want to look at one?”  
"I don’t mind.”  
"Let’s put that one, the girl is cute!”

Kelly is dozing off most of the evening. They sometimes speak, sometimes look at the TV and enjoy some dumb shows… but it is a quiet evening.  
When Kelly is sleeping, Matt smiles tenderly. He understands the man wants to find back some autonomy, but Matt is happy to help. Matt is delighted to do everything for Kelly. Because he knows as soon as the man would find back some self-governance, Matt would feel unuseful. It is strangely good to take care of Kelly, to flood him with his love. But everything has an end, and if Kelly needs his autonomy, Matt will try to back off...

"Matt, can you please stop touching me while I sleep?”  
"I… was just combing your hair.”  
"Yeah, I know. Do I have to remind you I still cannot move my two wrists? That I am lying in that bed for three entire weeks with hot girls around... So stop touching me!”  
"Sorry!”  
"Thank... so what happened in that tv shit?”  
"Don’t know, wasn’t paying attention…”  
"I bet! Are they… what the fuck they are doing?”

Matt looks at the tv, wondering what was the problem with the soap when he saw the two best friends kissing each other passionately. He did not know there were gay soaps. At least, he never heard of it!

"Better and better… he has a cute little girl flirting with him, and he prefers to shag his best friend!”  
"Sometimes… you cannot stop wanting someone, even if you shouldn’t.”

That is fucking perturbing because Matt is looking at him with some… passion while he speaks. He should switch off the tv, but he is stopped in his movement by the insufferable pain in his wrist. Matt bows next to him, grabbing the thing, and for a brief second, Kelly thought Matt would kiss him.   
Kelly is not sure if it is anticipation or fear, which is nailing him, and he does not want to ask himself the question because he does not want an answer. Matt does not move. He does not avert his eyes, and time stands still. At least until someone says: hi. Only then, Matt stands up abruptly.

Chris enters the room after knocking. He had brought Otis with him for their little masquerade, and Mouch is right behind with some home-made juices because they still do not know if Kelly can have solid foods...   
Chris had a moment of hesitation because he actually thinks Kelly and Matt were kissing. But going out would be crude, cruder than staying, plus they totally are here to be supportive, and going out would send the wrong message!

"How are you? I bring some company today!”  
"Hi, guys!”

Oh! Chris did not saw the TV beforehand! He looks at the two men whispering sweet words to each other before Matt switches off the show. So, everything is clear! They DO fear their relation would be problematic, or they think their team could be a bunch of heterosexual guys only supportive of lesbian women! Chris will change that immediately!   
They started to chat about their last shift, as always, because Kelly missed his job, so they give him some commonness. Nothing too painful, just funny interventions, strange situations… things like that. They even speak of the girl they saved from a kitchen fire, who is hitting on Mouch. 

Then it was time for Otis to shine! The man tried to stay almost silent during the past minutes. He tried his best to… stay somber and preoccupied until Mouch asked him what his problem was.

"He doesn’t want to speak about it since the beginning of the week. I’m pretty sure he hides us a girl!”  
"I bet! It’s… complicated! That’s the only word he used.”  
"And it is!”

Brian sighs desperately, then he looks at Kelly, caressing his chin.

"I think I might be in love… I may need some… help…”

Kelly chuckles. Everyone seems to believe he is Doctor Love or something like that! Kelly is not. He knows how to put a girl in his bed, but it is trickier to speak about feelings with him.

"Ask her out. Dinner. You pay, and you choose a nice place! And don’t forget to mention you’re a fireman.”  
"It’s complicated…”  
"Nothing is. Girls aren’t if you listen to them. Ask nicely about her tastes, feelings, whatever! And keep some bad boy attitude! Or try it Matt’s way, Prince Charming for the night… it depends on the girl's tastes…”

That is how Kelly is playing his cards. Kelly loves company, he loves girls, and he makes sure they know he is only here for two things. A girl and some action!

"The problem is…”  
"Is?”  
"She isn’t a….”  
"A?”  
"She…”

Christopher is bluffed by Otis! He thinks he took the best one to do that mission. Of course, Mouch and Chris need to act surprised! So, he put a hand on his heart then looks at Mouch, then Matt, and Kelly.

"I beg your pardon?”  
"You remember Alex?”  
"Your cousin's best friend?”  
"Yeah… he likes guys. I don’t mind, really. Alex is a good guy, and when Molly needs another waiter, he is always here to help. He doesn’t even want to be paid. So, after hours, I give him a drink, and we talk. He… Alex is nice, and sometimes he flirts with me, saying things no girl ever said to me in the first place. Soon, I started to find him... cute. I’m a little… helpless! And to be frank, I’m not sure how people will react because, yeah, everyone was very nice to Shay, but she’s a girl. We are a team of men, and I don’t want to… unsettled people.”

Perfect, so fucking perfect!! Otis is averting his eyes, looking at the floor, sighing like a depressed man, and Christopher pats his back like the father he is.

"Don’t be an idiot! I am a father, and if one of my sons was saying that to my head, I would be supportive. I don’t care, Otis.”  
"Yeah… that’s… strange, coming from you, but… Alex is a nice guy.”

What the fuck is that? First Matt, now Otis? Is it spreading like a disease? Of course, he knows homosexuality is not, but that is suspicious! He looks at Matt, trying to grasp if that is some sort of joke or unsaid message, or whatever! But Matt is as surprised as him. Good! Another closeted gay in their rank, at least Matt will have someone to speak with!

"Are you sure it’s ok with you guys? I’m still not… sure I’ll go out with him, but if I do, I don’t want to part from the 51.”  
"51 is a family, Otis.”  
"Is it ok with you too?”  
"Err… of course, I mean, yeah… I mean, I don’t mind. You should… you should… I mean you… Be true to your feelings wherever they would make you go. Even if it is somewhere unexpected or odd. Maybe it would be for the best, maybe it would only be a deep friendship, but be true. That’s what I try to apply to myself.”  
"Thank you, Casey! I’ll try to apply that to my life.”  
"You feel better?”  
"So relieved, guys!”

So, their mission is a complete success! Plus, it seems Casey is now happier as he jokes with Otis and Mouch. 

It was touching when Matt had said to Otis to be true to himself. Herrman can only hope that Casey and Severide will be trustful enough one day to speak about their love!   
They speak some more for almost an hour, even if Kelly is more silent than his the usual way. Herrman thinks Kelly must be pondering about telling them or not because the man can be really secretive. They decide to head off to Molly before supper, leaving the two-man alone before the end of the visit time!


	13. Chapter 13

When the door closed itself, Kelly cannot stop the strange feeling as if he was loaded with a whole bunch of absolute shit! But at the same time, he had not seen Matt’s feelings coming! Albeit there were signs which came from Matt since they knew each other. There were profound and persistent stares and some sort of odd longing emanating from Matt whenever they were trashed only together!   
The first time Kelly saw that stare was when Andy introduced them. Matt and Andy were best buddies for months before Andy came to him one day and started a conversation. Kelly always thought Andy was sent his way by Matt because he was too shy to talk to him in the first place.

Kelly saw none of that on Otis, but Otis is not interested in Kelly, thank God! Anyhow, Kelly is not really fond of Alex. He had talked with him once, but the guy made Kelly nervous mostly because of his manners and girly voice. Plus, the guy is pretty open with his comments whenever Alex looks at a male body and likes what he sees! Kelly already had that guy commentating about his arms and shoulders! That is definitely enough for him to avoid Alex, so he never shared a drink with Otis and Alex! 

Good for Matt, he is manlier than Alex, so Kelly is not uncomfortable with him! Plus, even if he stares, Matt is not as outspoken as Alex when he fancies Kelly's body into his mind!

"Do you believe that?”  
"I don’t know… Kel. But I know it can come down on you without looking forward to it. If someone told me I would have feelings for a man when I was young, I would have laughed to his face. But right now, I know everything is possible. I’m not gay, I don’t want to fuck with a guy, but I do have deep feelings for you. Do I want to fuck with you? I don't think so. Do I want to kiss you? Sure… Do I want to touch you? Any fucking time, Kelly…”

There, Matt is sharing his truth to his face. It was still strange to hear those feelings without Matt trying to smooth them or running out from them. For once, he is not laughing with them. Matt faces them like a man! Kelly should do the same because it is Matt, and nothing could go wrong with that man. He shares with him almost the same deep bond he had with Shay. Only one thing is different between them. Matt loves him. Matt wants him. And that is the most precious reason to face whatever he feels for Matt.

"Let me rephrase something because IF we go down on that road, and I say “IF”!! I would fuck you. No matter what, Matt, I would not be under! If you chose me, no refund, no exchange, no complaints... Take it or leave it!”  
"I never thought I actually would say that to your face, but right now, you’re acting all hung-up...”  
"I’m not. It’s just common sense here!”  
"Uptight!”  
"No! I’m not! You are the Prince Charming, and I’m the bad boy. You’re the bottom, and I’m the top. Point.”  
"You know a dominant guy can bottom too?”

Being dominant and bottoming? Excuse him, but how the fuck is that even possible in the first place?!

"Do you know anything in… that matter?”  
"I saw movies.”

Kelly is surprised another time! Matt is always acting shy and secretive when they speak about sexuality! Kelly really thought Matt was somewhat a bland and vanilla boy. But it seems it was only a façade! Kelly wonders if that shyness is there only because some of Matt's sex-life is almost... (to says the word starting with a G) gay? Or is it because Kelly is a part of that secretive life without even being aware of it?

"Gay movies?”  
"Bi. With an ex!”

Kelly smiles because of the adding sentence as if Matt was afraid about what Kelly may believe. Kelly does not care if Matt is looking at those sorts of movies for his own pleasure. In that matter, everything is possible! 

"And you got off with males-on-males sexual materials?”  
"I actually can.”  
"You’re full of surprises… I once looked at a lesbian movie with Shay. She wanted me to know something different than the heteronormative sexual industry. For that.... it was unconventional! I cannot get off on that, but it was pleasing to the eyes. I’m not sure I could look at gay stuff.”

Kelly should point to the number of dicks he had already see in his porn. There are a good number of them in the heteronormative industry! However, only the girls are important to Kelly, even if they are not the type of girl he could flirt with. Anyway, porn is just something to fap on. Some fantasies! Nothing more, nothing less...

"Kelly, I don’t see any difference. Sex is sex. Be it with two females, two males, two trans, or a hetero couple. It’s still sex.”

Maybe... Kelly cannot look at it the same way as Matt. Dicks are not pussies. As pecs are not boobs! There are things Kelly can do with girls that he cannot do with a male body!

"Will you try? Having a dick in your ass?”  
"I may, but only if I find a person I want to try with. For me... As I said to you, I need more than just a fuck. So I need at least a bond strong enough with that person to make me consider that…”  
"So, basically, you want to fuck with me?”  
"We are still not there.”  
"Did you ever think about it?”  
"You want the truth?”  
"That's important, yeah. I do want the truth on that.”

His friend is uneasy for an instant, whereas Matt gently rocks himself on the armchair. Then he suddenly stands up and makes some steps into the room while sighing. For Kelly, the long moment of silence is horribly painful because Matt seems conflicted, even mortified. That is not what Kelly wants, but things must be said.  
They may be on the last day of their friendship, but Kelly needs to know everything about Matt's feelings. He needs to understand what he wishes, what he is longing for... If Kelly could not grasp the havoc he could cause nor the pain he could inflict, he could not wisely choose his words nor acts. Furthermore, Kelly cannot determine what to offer without knowing what Matt hides from him.

"Then… I have.”  
"Really?! When? I mean... present time and all?”

Matt turns his face to him for the briefest moment, looking distressed and awfully naked as if Kelly had tried to force his soul. Then Matt groans, lecherously stroking his face. Without answering Kelly, he dramatically sits.   
Seems that question was too much to ask, but what would Kelly do or answer if Matt says yes? That yeah, he wants Kelly. Even right now!

Come on! These days, Kelly's thoughts are somewhat wild since he started to find the head nurse sexy while she is not! He really needs to get laid, but he has no chance to do it in a hospital unless... Matt offers something! And you know what? Kelly would not say no!

"No. Some years ago. The same ex who makes me look at bi movies... Let say she loved pegging. So I tried it with her because… why not?!”  
"Pegging? You mean girls with strap-ons?”  
"Yes.”

What the fuck is that?! Did Matt really try pegging with a girl? Kelly would gladly call himself adventurous, but he has not done that! The thought of it never actually reached his brain! Then... as he said to Matt, there is no way Kelly would bottom to someone, even the cutest of all girls!

"Wow! Was it... good? You know?”  
"It was.”  
"And you thought about me... with your girl?”

Matt winces again. He grumbles some secondes as if he was angry to have spoken so much or exasperated with Kelly's curiosity.

"Long story short. She wanted to know if I ever thought about having sex with a guy. She was interested in threeways with bi guys, but I couldn't. As I said, I need more than just a fuck. Plus, I cannot imagine myself with two people in the same bed. That would be pretty disturbing! Anyhow, once I accepted to visualize it while we were... you know! It was just... You know!”  
"A kinky scenario?”  
"Yeah. I visualized you instead of her.”  
"And you get off?”

Matt bites his lips as if he does not want to speak about it anymore. Or is he pondering about how much the answer could screw their friendship? It was just curiosity on Kelly's part.   
The more Kelly would know about Matt, the more he would comprehend where to stands in Matt's life. Because face it, Matt has a crush on him, even something more! And Kelly is easy with the sexy subject, so he cannot see problems to ask about more details. 

"You don’t have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable, Matt. I don’t care about those things. You know that I’m pretty open with my sex life.”  
"I know. Sometimes I wished I didn’t know that much of it!”  
"Sorry about that. I will try to respect more of your shyness!”  
"I’m not shy, Kel’. I don’t brag about it, that’s all. And to answer your question, I need to know something beforehand.”  
"Sure.”  
"Do you ever had an orgasm? Not just the common thing! Coming and having an orgasm are two fucking different things.”  
"Then, I fear I don’t know what you’re talking about. Do you mean dry orgasm? That I have tried, long time ago...”

Remembering it makes Kelly remember things he should not think about! Does it was with the blond triplets? 

"Well, I don't know anything about that. For my part, it wasn’t dry at all…”  
"Then it must be because you were… well… full somewhere I never was! And never will be!”  
"You’re missing something here!”

No. Noway! Matt will not have him with this sort of sentence. He will not have him with those fucking puppy blue eyes! Kelly is not interested in subduing because he is too proud for that! His ass is his! Only his!

"So, you had an orgasm that time?”  
"My first and my last one. It was so fucking intense that I cried for hours…”  
"Saying it that way is not enticing me to try!”

They share a chuckle, but something in Matt's eyes is almost nostalgic. Matt is way more emotional than him! At least, Kelly tries his best not to be emotional because it always turns depressing.

"It was emotional. Fucking emotional!”  
"And you reach that state thinking of me… Stop wondering why you started crushing hard for me!”  
"What if I reach it because of you? I never reach it with her, and it wasn't the only one time she had done me...”

Good question! If Matt never achieved an orgasm during their pegging sessions, it must not only be related to the place stimulated by the strap-on! Was Kelly the most significant part of it? The heck! He is so good he gives orgasms to people without even being here! No... Scratch that! He got off his best friend without knowing it. It's as exhilarating as eerie!

"So let me re-ask, Matt. Do you want to fuck with me?”  
"I don’t know what you want me to answer.”  
"Only the truth. I won't be mad... Matthew, I won't hurt you. I'm not that sort of man.”

God... Matthew is so cute when he smiles like that. Could Kelly fuck with a male? Actually... maybe! If this male is his best friend and if the said male doesn't want anything more than his friendship and some steamy action!


	14. Chapter 14

Kelly should stop that talk because he is in no shape to stop having some... fantasies! And to be frank, he should not! Because... First, they are in a hospital right now. Second, they are not ready to go down that road!

"Then… I don’t know. I’m so fucking lost when I try to understand what I want from you. I don’t want to fuck off our friendship.”  
"Matt... It’s already is.”  
"What?”  
"It’s already is...”

Matt is on the verge of crying, but that is the truth! Plus, they made a silent pact to speak only the truth since Matt started to open up. Sure, they are still friends, but at the same time, they would never be like before. Because Matt looks at him differently. Because he touches. Because Matt sometimes acts like the girls Kelly puts in his bed… And essentially because Matt is jealous! So, there is no chance their past friendship can survive that unless they want to become fuck buddies! But the more he understands Matt, the more he knows fuck buddies will not be enough. You are not supposed to be jealous about a fuck buddy!

"You can’t save something you don’t want anymore. Until you know what you want, we can try to manage... But you can’t be my best friend and be jealous of the girls I flirt with. You can’t be my best friend if you dream about me shagging you. And as you said so dearly, you can’t only fuck. So, Matt… Do you want to save that friendship?”

Matt is almost blemishing, but Kelly needs to say it out loud. They had gone too deep in their truth sharing to back up now. They cannot be friends anymore. For Matt's sake!

"Do you want me to leave?”  
"No. I want you to understand my point, Matt. Shay was my best friend, and we could share anything, everything! We almost even try to fuck, but it was so awkward because she never tried with a man, and I couldn’t get hard! But it wasn’t for the sex. It never was… That’s friendship for me. If you enter any love feelings in a friendship, it’s doomed! And if you want us to become sex-friends, you’ll need to suppress your jealousy because sex-friend, is just what it is… sex with a friend. All the benefits, none of the inconveniencies, and girls may happen because I am what I am, Matt. I'm a Casanova. You cannot ask us to stay friends if you love me. I would hurt you, and I don’t want that.”  
"I’m just a fucking idiot!”

Kelly did not look at Matt while he had spoken because he does not want to see his face. He knows he is hurting Matt’s feelings, but better now than later. To inflict this pain on his friend now is for Matt's sake because Kelly likes the man too much to keep him into his little lies! Kelly would gladly be a sex-friend, but he knows Matt will want more, and they would hurt each other. Or worse...  
Then Matt speaks, and it is full of hate. That is not directed toward him because Kelly knows Matt never hated him. He never could, so that hate is self-centered, and Matt is trying hard to not cry. But Matt's shoulders are shaking, and the man almost runs to the door. 

Kelly called for him, and forgetting his state, he tries to get up, but the sudden pain prevents him from running to the door. His only moan stops Matt on the spot.

"Fuck, don’t stay up!”  
"We aren’t finished here... Matt.”  
"Ok, but at least sit.”

The nurses reduced the painkillers since he can move out of his bed. Thus, Kelly is not on morphine anymore. That is why the pain is so intense. Powerful enough to almost make him blackout, so he lets Matt helping him to the bed. His legs are shaking because of the insufferable agony, and Kelly realizes there is a worth thing going on! So Matt is calling for a nurse.

"I’m here.”

When does his life had become this? Since Shay’s death, or was it before? Since Renée left him all alone and broken. Kelly cannot look at Matt. The pain was so unbearable that he had peed on himself. That is humiliating enough like that! It needs to be done in front of Matt!

"I get you.”

His friend is cleaning him while Kelly is shutting himself because of all that mess! Because of the pain, sharp and radiating. Plus, he may or may not fall unconscious if he did not shut his brain off.   
He half registers the other voice in the room, same for the needle in his thighs... Then, everything is a little less painful and a little more blurry... 

When he dares to open his eyes and focus back on his surrounding, Matt is taking off his hospital gown.

"I’ll change the sheets. Can you move on the armchair if I carry you?”  
"Sure.”  
"Ok, let’s do it.”

What a shame! Matt should not do that! That is not his duties. He looks helplessly at his best friend, maybe the man who is in love with him, changing his soiled sheets, then drying him with a towel. But that is not enough for today! He had asked Matt to stop touching him for a reason! The reason is his body is now more functional than he wishes it to be, and the places Matt is reaching are too personal... Before Matt tries to carry him back, he has a hard-on.   
It must be very perturbing for them both, but Matt reacts as if nothing was happening. He helps Kelly on his bed and into his new gown.

He is glad Matt did not mention his physical state. Kelly has everything else to digest beforehand because he is a proud man!

There is a long silence... This is not strictly speaking unnerving, but Kelly wonders why Matt is not gone. He does not want to talk right now, and if he does, he will lash his wrath onto Matt! He needs time to… forget about that!  
Consequently, he turns a slightly annoyed look to the other man. Matt is staring at him with the most unknown look on his face. It is troubling as if his friend was fighting against himself… What should he do? He should ask Matt to go home, he should get mad or move a little because his gown leaves nothing to the imagination, and Matt had seen him naked, anyway! 

Kelly groans because he does not want it! But here, his body yearns for it, and Kelly does not know if it is not just a side-effect of the painkiller they gave him. It seems pretty strong as he does not feel anything anymore. He is happily floating above his own body... but the need is still there like it is still in Matt's eyes! Kelly should send Matt home now!

Yet he is weak! Everything tells him he should not use Matt for that, that thing will turn sour after, but Matt will not leave. Kelly knows it.  
So, he closes his eyes and reaches out for Matt. The hand in his is just a slight touch. Matt's skin is so fucking smooth! He caresses his hand, then the wrist, waiting for a reaction. For Matt to break contact and leave. But as nothing came, Kelly invites him nearer the bed. 

They have only fifteen minutes before the nurse comes back with the supper, so they have to be quick. Anyhow in his state, it should not be lengthy. He will not put Matt’s hand on his dick because that is Matt's final choice. Kelly will not indulge in a look either because he does not want to influence anything!

Though, Matt does not need another invitation! He moves, taking the towel on the armchair. And with a slight purr, Matt is lifting the gown. After an audible gasp, Matt starts to stroke his dick.   
Kelly had done a lot of things, but never that. It is the first time another man is touching his dick! It should be perturbing, but it is not. It is even awfully pleasurable! He sharply inhales because Matt's thumb is rubbing against his glans.   
Kelly prefers it fast and messy. A handjob is not a thing he does for pleasure, only to gain some relief. But Matt’s hand is slow and tight around his skin. Matt's skin is burning against him. Kelly can taste all the sensuality behind Matt's ministrations. Even if he cannot view it. 

Kelly almost moans Matt's name, but he tried his best to stay as silent as possible because nurses are running in the corridor, and Kelly does not want Matt to stop!

Suddenly he cannot keep his eyes closed anymore because that is not only Casey’s hand on his dick! This warmth and this moisture are from some lips and tongue. Matt is bent on his hospital bed giving him a blowjob, and it was not part of their silent deal! He needs to bite on his cast because it is too much for him, and he cums into Matt’s mouth without warning. Because face it, Kelly is enjoying every bit of it! Kelly dreamingly smiles because that was just was he needed.  
Kelly was about to speak to his friend, but Matt is not finished with him! Because his other hand is now playing with his balls. Kelly's not sure if Matt realizes what he is doing. Or if the instant is lost in some heat of the moment. But Matt is not shying anymore! He is greedy! Fucking greedy! The hand on his dick and Matt's lips move alongside to make him edge a second time.

How had Matt learned to suck a dick? Because now that he overcomes the chock or novelty, the man is doing his best to please Kelly. Maybe it is not Kelly's best blowjob, but it is assuredly the hottest!

"God..."

That is too good to be true! It must be a dream, moreover when Matt's tongue starts to play with his frenulum. Kelly almost cries out, but an index finger pressing behind his balls prevented him from being loud.  
That is disturbing! More than being sucked by his best friend, but at least Matt is conscient enough not to put it into his ass! And frankly, even if Matt had done it, he would not stop it! Because Kelly is too high on pleasure, and he enjoys the stimulation.

Matt continues his attentiveness, milking him dry with a passion too few of his girlfriends had! Kelly is losing his head, and he does not give a shit anymore about his voice because he cannot stop coming. The left hand of Kelly loses itself in Matt’s short hair. Not pushing against it nor using it for his pleasure, since it would be disgusting to do it, not because Matt is a guy, though. But because Matt is a friend! And somewhat Matt is mostly in love with him.  
Kelly is fondling Matt's hair with tenderness, but he cannot stop his hips from meeting Matt's throat and tongue. And each time he does, Matt is moaning around his dick, and it is just perfect... 

God, if sex with Matt is at least as good as that blowjob, he can become gay for that man!

"Matt... you should stop…”

God, no, do not stop! But Kelly can hear the service tray in the corridor, and they will get busted. Anyway, Matt squeezes his lips against his dick, and Kelly has the second dry orgasm of his life! If he was not bitting his cast, he would be screaming! He would say words in the heat of the moment, he may regret later, so he dares not move!

He should be thankful he is under a strong painkiller because he should be moaning, but not from pleasure! And because when the nurse would enter the room, he would be still recovering from that! 

Matt cleans the mess with the towel then packs all the soiled sheets, washcloths, and towels in the yellow bin for the washing service. If Kelly could speak, he would have because something must be said! But as soon as the nurse enter, Matt goes for the exit.


	15. Chapter 15

He will not see Matt again for the next week. 

Kelly is a little angry about that, but as he never got an answer when he had left a message on Matt's answering machine, he lets it flow. He thinks they will have time when he will be released from the hospital!

"I got a call from the hospital. Severide will be released Wednesday.”

Everyone is rejoicing, but Matt winces and goes straight into his office. The Lieutenant does not wish to share the joy with them. Because since the last time, he stopped visiting the hospital. And meanwhile, Kelly had changed the name of the person to call! As proof, Boden got the news.   
Matthew had done it… he had given a blowjob to Kelly! He even enjoyed it! But there is a problem here… A huge fucking problem! Kelly was under drug influence! 

Kelly was in a weak position, and Matt totally abused his best friend. At best, it was sexual harassment! Scratch that... It was rape! He cannot look at Kelly right now! 

Matt is cursing about his stupidity while Herrman enters his office with a devious smile.

"We planned a party for Kelly. Could you take him to Molly, Thursday?”  
"I’m not his mother nor his babysitter!”

Herrman is making a sour face, looking at Matt and his bubbling anger, and wondering what is going on.

"Won’t he live with you?”  
"Why?!”  
"Are you sending him back to the apartment he shared with Shay? There’re stairs everywhere!”  
"Same in my house!”  
"You have a room on the ground.”  
"Can’t anyone else can help him?”  
"He’s your friend, Casey. Your best friend...”  
"Yeah! I’m a so fucking reliable friend! Best friend of the year, that’s me! I bet he doesn’t want to see me again!”

Matt is so mad! Not against Herrman, though, but the Lieutenant lashes nonetheless upon him. Then he grabs the man and throws him out of his office. Even if Kelly is out of the hospital, he will not be back before a long re-education! There is plenty of time for him to ask for a transfer! It would be better for everyone! So, he prints the sheet of paper and starts to fill it. Because the hell he would be able to face Kelly another time, Matt is so fucked up!

Herrman looks undoubtfully through the window glass because something must have happened, but he is powerless in front of it. Maybe it is better to wait patiently... 

"Hey!”

Kelly smiles at Chris as soon as he sees him and Mouch into the hall. He thanks the nurse as she is pushing his wheelchair next to his friend.

"Freedom!”  
"Oh my god, Mouch! You don’t know how much I’m happy to get out. Where is Matt?”

Kelly sends a sharp stare from one of his friends to another. Kelly can endure Matt's silence, even after all that mess! He can accept Matt's shyness or fear! He may even concede to Matt to step back a little after that blowjob story, but he will not allow the guy to flee! And if Matt is not here, something serious must have happened!

Herrman is relieved Kelly seems to be upset Matt is not here. He sends a glare to Mouch because they cannot screw right now! If the couple is already in difficulties, they don't have to step into their story. Not now, it could be to their disadvantage!

"We have a little problem with Casey right now. But we managed something!"  
"What it is?”  
"You’re taking the room of one of my sons until we find better.”  
"No. Don’t worry about that! I’ll go back to my apartment.”  
"No, Severide. You still have casts everywhere on your right side. You can’t stay alone in that apartment. Plus, Cindy totally loves you! She will make you some good home-cooking…”  
"What’s happening with Casey?”  
"He shuts himself and sent Boden his resignation. He asked to be transferred to the other side of the town. Did you two get a fight?”  
"Bring me to him.”  
"But…”  
"NOW!”

Ok! Mouch helps him installing Kelly in his familial break, then they go straight to the casern! The travel is cold and unkind. Kelly did not even stir when Chris tried to smooth the atmosphere with a joke. Maybe something is at stake, so Chris looks at Mouch, and they share a nod. They will do whatever they can to save their friends' couple!  
Chris rushed to the fire station, then they help Kelly out of the car and roll him toward the casern.

Kelly doesn’t even look at his friends cheering him. No! He sends a dark glare to Matt through his transparent door.

"You really should let me enter that office right now! Or else, I’ll scream my mind through that door, and you will not be happy! But then, you’ll have a fucking good reason to flee, tail between your legs like the fucking coward you are!”

Boden is stunned by Kelly’s face, like most of the 51. Because if a glare could kill, it would be that one. Whatever happened to them needed to be spoken. Right now!   
Herrman pushes everyone into the break-room, and Boden looks at Matt until the man stands-up and helps Kelly into his office.

"Glad, you’re…”  
"Shut the fuck up! What was that story about? Transfer?”  
"Man… It would be better that way…”  
"Better? What would better?! You, fucking prick!”  
"I was already thinking about…”  
"Stop your fucking lie, and speak the truth! Because you owe me that!”  
"Ok, you want the truth? Let’s get with the truth! I fucking love you, Kelly! Ok?! And what I have done… back then, I shouldn’t have done it! You were weak, drugged, and it was abuse! Fuck, you could even call the cops for rape!”

Rape? Wait a minute! Ok, he was under a hard painkiller but… rape? Since when?

"Whoa! Stop with your nonsense! You’re overthinking things like always! You’re just a piece of shit! Rape? Where did you see rape? My god, it was just a fucking blowjob! Is that rape?! Maybe for you, but when you have slept with half of the city like you seem to believe I have done, it’s nothing more than a fucking blowjob. What a fucking big deal!”  
"You were…”  
"Even without word, I think I left you a fucking invitation. Sure, it was only for a handjob, but fuck, Casey! I was consenting! I was so sure I had hurt you that I preferred to wait for you. But, no, you were running like always!”  
"I thought I fucked up…”  
"You are! Right now! I hope you can still stop that transfer shit! I really hope for you!”

They are so noisy that Boden can hear anything from the corridor! He makes people move on when they need to take that hallway because that was personal matters! But as soon as they speak about the transfer folder, Boden goes straightly to get the sheet of paper. Next, the Chief knocks on Matt’s glassy door, then tears it into pieces in front of the two dark glares. There! One thing less to care about! He did not want to sign it in the first place!

"That’s settled! Now, if you would be so kind to… help me move to your house because I’m not going to live with Herrman and his family!”  
"Ok… leave me a minute to finish that.”  
"Ok.”

Kelly should have known better! Trusting Matt could come to him and share his insecurities with him is still too early! He cannot depend on Matt nor trust him with this sort of thing. If they want to grow closer, if they wish to move one to whatever they want to go, Kelly will need to keep his friend far from the bullshit into his brain!

"Do you think they… heard everything?”  
"We don’t care, do we?”  
"They may think…”  
"Stop worrying about that. And Boden definitely busted us!”

They laugh like kids, bitching about things as if they were best friends. Anyhow, they are not any more! And Casey proves it with the long stares and his messy smile while he hides behind his screen! 

Casey saves his computer files then stands up.

"Be prepared for your cat.”  
"I am! I want to see that devil pole dancer cat!”  
"Let’s get going.”

Herrman smiles, looking at the couple leaving together with a paternal sigh. He had heard everything, but he won’t speak about it. It is still Casey and Severide's problems. Chris does not want to minger in it, but he has a team to brief!  
He claps in his hands while entering the break-room in which everyone is speaking about Severide's luck. Sure the man is lucky as fuck! Everyone knows the guy should be dead! They saw less serious accidents finishing on the worst-case scenario!

"Ok, guys! Let’s work hard on Molly that night. I want it to be a real fiesta. Dawson?”   
"Christie will be here!”  
"Ok. Nice! Mouch?”  
"I had Benny on the phone. He said he’ll come if the booze is free!”  
"Like father, like son! Ok, guys! Tomorrow will be the day. Let’s stay supportive.”  
"For Love and Pride!!”

What are they doing? Sometimes Boden wishes he can change his team! Because when they sound like that, he even wants to change town! The Chief frowns, looking at Herrman, Otis, and Mouch, because there is something off with them when they speak about Severide's welcome-back party. His severe face and eyes stare at them so long, he started to burn a hole through them.

"You’ll be here, Chief?!”

Yeah... yeah... He’ll come! But he bets he’ll regret it!

When they get home, it was, as always: a war zone. Casey does not understand how a small animal can do so much destruction! He sighs, pushing the wheelchair through the living-room. As Matt was not waiting for Kelly, the Lieutenant has some last-minute changes to make! If his friends cannot stay upright and need the assistance of a wheelchair, he will have to make room! Matt pushes the coffee-table with a grunt and brings Kelly to the side bedroom.

"Need to change the sheets! It was my mom’s room, until… well... You already know.”  
"Sure. Where is my cat?”  
"Maybe hidden somewhere! HA!”

That devious animal was hidden under the duvet! As soon as he moved the sheets, the cat jumped on Casey! The mischievous feline bites his arms, then flees out the room.

"Wow! Are you ok?”  
"I may… I’m glad you are finally here. I wish to kill that cat some days!”  
"I’ll tame her! She’ll be your best friend.”  
"I wonder if I didn’t dream about the one time she was nice to me!”

When the room was ready, Matt tried to stay put, during the long minutes Kelly had to endure to get from his wheelchair to the bed! But his friend wants to take some independence, so Matt must not move, even if he was there, at reach, each time Kelly stumble a little. After that, he puts most of his furniture in the garage to make room for the chair. It will be difficult as his house was not designed for disabled people. But it is cozier than the luxurious open-space Kelly had called home!   
They will manage to find some commonness, even if it will be difficult for Kelly to access the first floor and the bath tube. But they will find a way!

"Need something before…”

Matt was ready to go to bed. While heading to the first floor, he stopped to look at Kelly as the man had left his door open. Matt can see him cuddling his cat as they lay on the bed, peacefully dozing off. Matt smiles. How can’t he love the man?   
He approached Kelly without disturbing his sleep, smiling fondly. Matt puts the blankets on his friend's torso and turns off the light. In the dark of the room, Matt can see Kelly's silhouette, and he kisses him without thinking. Just because Kelly is so cute right now, lips parted in a slight smile.

"Good night, Kel’.”

All the day was pretty smooth, and it is almost the end of his shift! Matt thanks his luck! Because the psychiatrist had announced, he would be soon apt to go back on the field! So, everything is now up into Boden’s hands. He tried to speak with his Chief, but the man was furious for whatever reason, so he decided against it.

"Don’t forget the party, ok?”

While Matt exits his office, Mouch spots him and smiles at him.

"No, we’ll come.”  
"Good!”  
"Not too long, though... He is still recovering!”  
"Sure, you’re his… er… nurse, right now! So, you’ll decide.”  
"Not a nurse, just trying to help. Best friend’s duty!”  
"Yeah.”

Matt is uneasy for a moment, he wonders what his friends had heard about their shouting yesterday, and since Chris is passing by, he stops the man with a nod.

"Did you hear anything from... our fight?”  
"No. I thought you needed space and privacy. I took everyone with me to the restroom."  
"Yeah, no one heard a thing. But that's good you're not leaving anymore."  
"Yeah, everything settled... Thank you, Herrman.”  
"No problem, we are family! We will wait for you at 5?”  
"Ok!”  
"Perfect!”

Matt is not sure what’s everything about! His friends were restless, murmuring whenever he turned his back.   
He hopes they aren’t doing some craziness behind his back! He stops at the pharmacy to get Kelly’s new painkillers, then gets home. For once, his apartment is… like he left it this morning!  
Matt looks at his living-room with puzzlement because the cat is calmly pawing at its toy, purring like a roaring chainsaw. Nonetheless, Creamy seems almost asleep, so Matt is not sure if he needs to go into his living-room in the first place!

"Kel’?”  
"Kitchen!”

Good, he does not have to wake up the beast! He smiles at the sleepy cat, then enters the kitchen. The sight here can be pleasant, almost enjoyable because he almost thinks about the domestic life he could share with Kelly, but really catches up with him!

"What are you doing upright?”  
"Trying to cook…”  
"You should…”  
"Don’t try to play my mother. You’ll lose! If I feel pain, I’ll sit! I promise.”  
"Ok… but…”  
"I’ll be careful, mommy! I won’t put fire into your kitchen! And if I do, I know what to do. Trust me, I’m a fireman!”  
"I don’t care about my kitchen! Things can be bought-back, not you!”  
"I’m… fine!”  
"Insufferable!"

Kelly giggles while trying to stay upright and doing macaroni with cheese. Eventually, Matt cannot endure it a second more and takes the wooden-spoon from Kelly's hand, chastising him. He will finish it!

"You didn’t forget about the… party or whatever it is.”  
"How can I forget the booze?”  
"Not for you! I’ll be careful not to leave you alone, even one second!”  
"Not even one drink?”  
"Did you read your fucking medical prescription?”  
"Not in the slightest! I knew you would do it for me, Mom.”

Kelly is trying to get back in his wheelchair, so Matt takes a look behind. He almost had a heart-attack when Kelly stumbles, but the man had managed to stay upright even when he had lost his balance. As soon as Kelly is comfortably sitting, Matt can breathe again. So, he turns back his attention to the stirring pot before something actually burns!

"I think I’ll have a headache…”  
"But you still love me?!”  
"I don’t think so…”  
"You can't lie to me, Mommy! So, how was the day?”  
"Next week, I’ll be on the field!”  
"Good to know! I bet you’ll be a little more… cool!”  
"I’m not sure... I may be even more… anxious about you.”  
"It’ll be ok.”  
"Last time you said that…”  
"I lied. But do you remember our little truth pact? I promise you. If I feel depressed or shit like that, I will say it.”  
"Truth… yeah, it’ll ease me if I can trust you on that.”  
"If you can’t, I will let you do me! How’s that sounding?”  
"Like a dream comes true…”  
"My god… hide your joy!”

They bickered some hours more about everything and nothing, then he helped Kelly in his car. He is a little anxious about the party. Sure, it’s normal to do one, but those shushing behind his back got him wary!


End file.
